Christian men know that God has appointed them to lead their homes. But what does that look like? We don’t want to fail in this role. But how can I succeed at what I know is one of my most important tasks when I can’t actually define what that task IS? In the next two episodes, our goal is for us to come away with a concrete picture of the three components of spiritual leadership in the home and how they work together to maximize our leadership impact in our families.
As I wrestled this week to consider WHERE our God-given calling as men slams against the strongest headwinds in our culture, I realized that it might be in being the spiritual leaders of our homes that Jesus wants us to be. The gale forces pushing against progress in leading are powerful: 1) the busyness of life, 2) a culture that undermines godly manhood, 3) our own sense of inadequacy (our wives are more spiritual—and don’t get taken down by images on the Internet). Perhaps the strongest headwind of all, though, is the question, Where do I start? What do I actually DO so that one day I hear my Commander in Chief whisper, “Gary I entrusted Sandy, Kim, Karen, Brian, Tim, and Josh to you to lead to me. You have done that well! Yes, only I can make them spiritually alive—but you have led them well.”
The most valuable truth I’ve learned about leadership is that leadership is much bigger than authority. Authority is a vital subset of leadership. It needs to be used consistently, and fairly. Our followers, especially when they are young, cannot learn character apart from painful consequences when they violate God’s moral and creation laws. Scripture is clear, For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons (Heb 12:6-8).
In an egalitarian culture where autonomy is the highest value, the biblical worldview counters, “authority is a good thing.” God punishes sin, the boss has the power to fire, God gives the state power to punish wrong behavior, and parents need to exercise firm discipline to train their children. Our race’s fall into evil has sent a desire for autonomy into the core of our being. Hearing that sin has consequences is not enough. For our character to be shaped by a hatred of evil, we need to experience pain when we disobey the moral law written on our conscience. If we deprive our children of painful punishment for disobedience, we never allow their character to be properly formed. They will never learn the pain of controlling their impulses—and they will continue to be as all children come into the world--self-centered. That is why Proverbs warns tender-hearted parents, Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Prov 13:24).
But leadership is BIGGER than authority. You might say, authority is the power to COERCE obedience. When kids are young, in our house, we use AUTHORITY (discipline) to get the behavior we want (which also trains them). But when our kids are older, away from the house, if the child still chooses to do what you would want him to do—that’s LEADERSHIP. Authority uses force to coerce obedience, a good, necessary thing not only for order but to train a child to control his impulses. But leadership goes further. It accepts the responsibility of wielding authority but goes beyond it to INFLUENCE. Influence causes your child to want to obey you. The greater your INFLUENCE the less you need to use authority.
In fact, leadership really IS influence. Spiritual leadership in the home is the ability to get your wife and children to follow you in your love for Jesus. My favorite Leadership proverb is, He who thinks he is leading when no one is following is only taking a walk. Successful spiritual leadership at home is creating a desire in your wife and in your children to WANT to follow you as you follow Christ.
Authority, again, is a God-ordained structure that we must teach children to respect. But effective leadership (especially with adults and teens) must go beyond authority. Harry Selfridge, the owner of a London department store chain, shows his managers the difference between seeing themselves as bosses or leaders.
- The boss drives people, the leader coaches them.
- The boss depends upon authority, the leader depends upon good will.
- The boss says, “I”; the leader says, “We.”
- The boss fixes the blame for the breakdown; the leader fixes the breakdown.
- The boss knows how it is done; the leader shows how it is done.
- The boss says, “Go!”; the leader says, “Let’s go!”
Let’s formulate a concrete picture of how leadership works. There are 3 COMPONENTS to leadership: the leader, the followers, the objective to be reached. Leaders are taking people somewhere.
A. The Leader. This can be the one assigned leadership by God in the family, or filling a leadership role at work, in the church, in the classroom or on the athletic field. Being a leader is not synonymous with being an upfront person. A dad who is terrified of speaking upfront can be a great leader to his kids—building that influence through time together looking under a car hood or throwing a ball.
B. The Followers. For dads, it is our wife, kids, and grandkids. But followers can also be those I lead in my Bible study, those I serve in church leadership, a friend who has drifted from Christ that I am seeking to bring back, or a work associate I am trying to lead to Christ.
C. The Objective: Leaders are taking their followers somewhere. There is a goal to achieve, a mountain to climb, a destination to reach. When we talk about spiritual leadership, i.e. influencing those around us towards Christ, we could define the goal as spiritual maturity.
The above three arrows are the 3 fundamental PROCESSES to leading.
1. Orange arrow across the bottom: This is the arrow between the leader and the goal of spiritual growth. The leader must, himself, FOCUS upon and MODEL his own commitment to spiritual maturity. He must lead from his life (MODEL). However, here is a key point for men: What you model is DIRECTION not PERFECTION. The gospel is that we all get knocked down by our own sin. Our kids know we fail. It does NOT help them to see us try to hide our failure; what they need is to see us fail and then get up, get back into the race, and follow after Christ even harder. Similarly, when it comes to seeking to lead a lost person to salvation, as much as we want that person to see Jesus in us, it might be more important for the person to see someone in us WHO NEEDS Jesus. Many times, non-Christians don’t think they are good enough to be a Christian. Modeling is about direction, not perfection.
2. Green vertical arrow on left. This is the arrow between the leader and his followers. A leader’s influence is completely dependent upon the quality of his relationship with his followers. Leadership expert, John Maxwell writes,
If you want to influence others, and you desire to get them moving in the right direction, you must connect with them before you try to take them anywhere. Attempting to do it before connecting is a common mistake of inexperienced leaders. Trying to move others before going through the connection process with them can lead to mistrust, resistance, and strained relationships. Always remember that you must share YOURSELF before you try to share the JOURNEY.
3. Brown arrow from upper left to lower right (hypotenuse). This arrow runs from the followers to the objective. The leader EQUIPS and ASSISTS his followers to keep taking steps towards the goal, spiritual maturity. The best leader is not a hero; he is a hero maker. Good leaders 1) help their followers see their own potential, 2) encourage them to discover their own, God-given gifts and passions, 3) equip them with training needed to succeed, 4) give them honest feedback, praising their successes, and pointing out their blind-spots. Many dads understand this part of fathering in the sports arena. We do everything we can to help our kids discover their athletic gifts, develop their skills at throwing, catching, kicking the soccer ball, take them to countless practices, try to get them the best coaching we can, and root obnoxiously for them during the games. Bob Hamrin of Great Dads asks "Dad, Do you put as much energy into helping prepare your child to succeed spiritually as you do athletically?"
Part 1 in The Process of Leading: MODEL STAYING FOCUSED on the OBJECTIVE
The first part of the leadership influence process is staying focused on our mission, ourselves, so that we can lead from our own lives. Paul wrote to Timothy: You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose (2 Tim 3:10 NIV). Notice, that Paul called attention not just to what he had said, my teaching, but to his everyday way of life, and even to what Paul was pursing as his mission, my purpose. Paul stayed focused on his mission, and he led from his life. The clear mission of the church is to make disciples. When Jesus gave us this Great Commission, to go and make disciples, those hearing it understood the meaning of that word, disciple. Everyone knew that a disciple (the Greek word is mathetes) was a FOLLOWER of a master. Jesus’ hearers knew three things about disciples. 1) The disciple had the deepest kind of personal friendship with the master because they did life together. 2) The disciple patterned his whole life on the teaching and example of his master. The disciple’s greatest goal was to be like his master. 3) The disciple, as a “follower” joined in his master’s cause. Jesus came into the world to overthrow the kingdom of darkness and establish his kingdom of righteousness. So, we could summarize the callings of Christ-followers”
We are Called TO Christ--to enjoy a love relationship with him.
We are Called to BE LIKE Christ—to holy, Christ-like attitudes.
We are Called to EXERCISE DOMINION FOR Christ—to implement Christ’s righteous agenda in our role as husband, father, employee/employer, neighbor, church member, steward of resources, and ambassador of the kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness (Matt 6:33).
HOW TO STAY FOCUSED ON THIS MISSION AS CHRIST-FOLLOWERS
A. Have a CONCRETE TARGET to aim for. If you aim at nothing, that is what you usually hit. That’s true in everyday life and it is just as true in your spiritual life. If you fail to aim, aim to fail. Let’s sharpen the clarity of our target with a zoom lens on Called TO Christ and Called TO BE LIKE Christ.
Called TO Christ--to enjoy a love relationship with Him. Here are 4 requirements for our relationship with Christ to keep deepening:
- Knowing that he ENJOY’S your presence. What would it feel like in your heart to know that God not only accepts you, but that he richly enjoys you? To know that your company is his pleasure, your fellowship his joy, your face his delight. (Objects of His Affection, Scotty Smith). As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you (Is 62:5).
- Time alone together with the world shut out. No love relationship can grow without quality time together.
- Delighting in each other. Praising and thanking God for who he is—his attributes and sensing his pleasure with a couple of “wins” you’ve had this week that honored him. We must “abide” in Jesus’ love as he commanded.
- Honesty. I need to be transparent about my sins, my anger even with God (He can handle it!), my disappointments, my fears, my hurts. Similarly, I need to be constantly growing in my knowledge of him. The primary way he speaks to me and reveals himself to me is through his Word.
Called to BE LIKE Christ—to Christ-like character. We cannot fully stay focused on Jesus' mission for us without remembering that God's very purpose in redeeming us is to become Christ-like. We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be CONFORMED to the IMAGE OF HIS SON. (Rom 8:28-29). Consider two virtues from Joshua 1.
STRENGTH
Definition: Might, power, capacify for exertion, endurance, power to resist force.
Opposite: Weakness, quitting, giving in, surrendering, loving ease, flabbiness.
Mental Perspective Required for this Quality:
- Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. (Eph 6:10).
- “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9).
- I can do all things through him who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).
Insights:
- God wants me to be strong, not flabby—so he will bring me not EASE but situations that require me to use my spiritual muscles to produce endurance.
- I should never let feeling weak become the path to failure but the path to asking Jesus more passionately to give me HIS strength.
- Being spiritually strong is the opposite of the middleclass value of comfort. Being warm, cozy, and indifferent to the spiritual battle is for WEAKLINGS.
COURAGE
Definition: Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. Resolution. Courage implies firmness of mind and will in the face of danger or extreme difficulty.
Opposite: Cowardice, being mentally weak, easily frightened, discouraged, or dissuaded. Intimidated.
Mental Perspective Required for this Quality:
- Confidence in Jesus’ promise, I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb 13:5).
- Confidence that my perseverance matters. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain (1 Cor 15:58).
Insights:
- Courage does NOT mean having no fear. It means not letting fear prevail in decisions.
- Courage is the fruit of mental toughness.
- Courage is the mental strength to refuse to give in to FEELINGS of discouragement.
- Courage is trust in the character of God who promises to give me the strength to withstand whatever pain or suffering obedience to him will cause.
B. Effectiveness in our mission requires us to RESIST DISTRACTIONS. A few kilowatts of light if it is focused becomes a laser, which can cut through steel. One time, Thomas Edison was asked by a reporter, how he became so successful. He answered, “The ability to apply my physical and mental energies to one problem incessantly, without growing weary is my secret to success.” When a reporter suggested that Edison imposed a rather severe schedule on himself and was very smart, the inventor laughed, looked at the reporter, and said, “You do something all day long don’t you? Everyone does. If you get up at 7 AM and go to bed at 11, you have 16 good hours, and it is certain that most people have been doing something all that time. The only difference is—they do it about a great many things. I do it about one." That is focus. So, staying focused on our objective requires A) a clear target to aim for, B) avoiding distractions.
C. Staying focused requires STAYING SPIRITUALLY REFRESHED. God established the pattern of working six days then resting. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation (Gen 2:3). God does not rest because he is physically tired. It appears that he rested to celebrate and enjoy his work. His example is a pattern for his image bearers. Like him, we are assigned the work of continuing to develop creation, but also to rest and reflect upon our work. When this pattern is made one of the Ten Commandments, God adds that this Sabbath rest is to the Lord. The implication is that our rest and celebration of our work (our mission) is reflecting with our boss the work he assigned us to develop the world he created and is now redeeming. Could it be that the Lord’s Day, as a day free from our regular work routine, is not given to us as a restriction so we can worry about whether we can watch the NFL or NBA, but as a profound gift—a day specially set apart for physical rest and recreation AND renewal, reflection, celebration of the God whose creation we are to develop and redeem? Jesus said man was not made for the Sabbath, the Sabbath was made for man—to be a blessing to us. Could you find one hour on Sunday morning before church, afternoon, or evening to reflect specifically upon your mission with the one who assigned it to you? As Thomas Edison understood—there is tremendous power in a focused life!
For Further Prayerful Thought.
- How would you answer the question, What does it mean to be the spiritual leader of a Christian home?
- Why are all three arrows or lines of the spiritual leadership diagram necessary for good leadership?
- What did you learn about the importance of staying focused on the objective of spiritual grow in your own life?
