The story is told of a man walking along a California beach when he found a golden lamp. He rubbed it and out jumped this genie. The genie said, “I’m tired. You’re the fourth person who has rubbed this lamp this week. You’re not going to get three wishes—only one. The man thought, “One wish. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii—and now I can afford it. But I’m afraid to fly and I’ll get seasick if I take a boat. So, he said to the genie, “Build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I can drive there and go on vacation.” The genie said, “Come on!! Do you know how many miles that is—all the steel girders it would take all the way to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and all that concrete? This is totally impractical. You have to think of something else.” The guy thought, “Well, I’ve been married and divorced three times. And my wives always said I didn’t understand them. So, he said, “I wish I could understand just one woman—to know what she is feeling inside, to know why she is crying, to know what she really means when she says one thing be means something else, to know how to make her feel loved and cherished.” The genie looked back at him and said, “You want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?” Scripture does give some clues to baffled genies, and confused husbands, which we’ve been looking at this month. This week we look at a wife’s heart-driven need for her husband to take the lead, spiritually. We also identify the way the biblical covenantal view of marriage is so much richer than the consumer view of marriage that is becoming more common today. This vital understanding might be helpful to pass on to the rising generation.
A. She Needs the Security of Your COVENANTAL COMMITMENT to Your Marriage
The prevailing view of marriage in our culture today might be summed up by New York Times columnist, Tara Parker-Pope, in her article, “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.” She writes, “The notion that the best marriages are those that bring the most satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. Afterall, isn’t marriage about putting the relationship first? Not anymore.” Marriage used to be about “us.” Now it is about “me.” Now, it is seen as a private arrangement for the mutual romantic fulfillment of each other. One of the most widely held beliefs in our culture today is that romantic love is all important to have a fulfilling life, but that romantic love never lasts. As one wife said about her upcoming marriage, “I’m marrying him because I am in love with him. But if we ever fall out of love, I won’t hesitate to divorce him.” Today, traditional views of marriage are deemed to be oppressive, social constructs, especially for women, while the newer “Me” marriage seems to be liberating. But this new approach to marriage tragically views it as a consumer relationship. Tim Keller writes, Throughout history, there have always been consumer relationships. Such relationships last only as long as the vendor meets your needs at a cost acceptable to you. If another vendor delivers better services, or the same services at a better cost, you have no obligation to stay in a relationship to the original vendor. In consumer relationships, it could be said that the consumer’s needs are more important than the relationship (The Meaning of Marriage).
Sociologists argue that in contemporary Western society marriage is increasingly seen as a consumer relationship. When we cease to make a profit—that is when the relationship is not bringing me enough benefit—i.e. when it feels like we are consistently NOT getting back as much love and affirmation as we are contributing to the relationship—then we “cut our losses” and drop the relationship. The tragedy about this way of thinking is that every romance goes through ebbs and flows when one of the partners needs to give more to the relationship than he or she is receiving. That is simply the way life is.
The opposite of a consumer relationship is a covenantal relationship. These are relationships that are binding on us. In a covenant, the good of the relationship takes precedence over the immediate needs of the individual. For example, the parent-child relationship is actually a covenantal one. The parent may get little, emotionally, out of caring for an infant. But the binding obligations of parenting are universally accepted. Why? Because society still considers the parent-child relationship to be a covenantal one, not a consumer one. Let’s look more deeply into why a covenantal view of marriage is paramount to a wife’s security.
In Genesis 2:24-25 we read Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and HOLD FAST TO his wife. The Hebrew word for hold fast to literally means glued to one another. The word also means to bind (glue) a person to his promise, commitment, made in a covenant. In fact, it is frequently used in Scripture for the covenant commitment of God and his people to each other. For example, when Joshua led several of the tribes of Israel in a ceremony of covenant renewal, he commanded, Be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and TO CLING (BE GLUED) TO HIM (22:5). The glue that binds husband and wife together is not just the promises they made horizontally to each other, but promises they made vertically to God. For example, Proverbs 2:17 describes a wayward wife as one who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God.
The fact that a wedding covenant is made both vertically and horizontally is the reason the traditional wedding service has both a set of questions from the minister and vows to each other. Typically, the question asked to establish husband and wife’s vows to God is, “Will you have this woman to be your wife, and do you pledge your faithfulness to her in all love and honor, in all duty and service, in all faith and tenderness, to live with her and cherish her according to the ordinance of God in the holy bond of marriage?” Then later, they join hands, face each other, and vow to each other. Dr. Keller points out that the marriage covenant, “is a relationship far more intimate and personal than a merely legal, business relationship. Yet at the same time, it is far more durable, binding, and unconditional than one based on mere feeling and affection. A covenant relationship is a stunning blend of law and love” (Ibid).
But putting obligations on marriage by making it covenantal stifles romance and sexual passion, according to some. British philosopher Bertrand Russel in the early 20th century argued that sex can flourish only as it is free and spontaneous. “It tends to be killed by the thought of it as duty.” The biblical view of romance and love is radically different. Devotion to one another is not rooted in passing romantic feelings but grounded in the security of covenant promises of lasting, future commitment to one another. Marital love needs a covenantal framework of binding obligation because the naked joining of lives and bodies renews, strengthens, and nurtures love only in the safety and security of binding, forever commitments. Why might this be?
- As G. K. Chesterton points out, when we fall in love, we have a natural inclination not just to express affection but to make promises to each other. “I will always love you,” we say when we are at the height of passion, and we know that the other person, if he or she is in love with us will want to hear those words. Real love, the Bible says, instinctively desires permanence.
- Covenant wedding vows are promises of future love. Perhaps you have attended a wedding, where you heard vows like this. “I love you with all my heart and want to share my life with you.” The bride and groom were expressing their current love for each other. Their words might be moving; but that is not what wedding vows are. Such vows are not a DECLARATION of PRESENT love (which can be safely assumed) but a mutually binding PROMISE of FUTURE love. In a wedding you stand up before God and all the important institutions of society, your family, and friends, and you promise in the future to be loving, faithful, and true to the other person regardless of undulating internal feelings or external circumstances. That is the security of a covenant relationship. That is the security your wife needs to flourish.
- A third reason successful marriage needs the security of covenantal promises is pointed to by Christian ethicist Lewis Smedes, in an article, entitled, “Controlling the Unpredictable—the Power of Promising.” He makes profound observations about our identity, “Some people ask who they are and expect their feelings to tell them. But feelings are flickering flames that fade after every fitful stimulus. Some people ask who they are and expect their achievements to tell them. But the things we accomplish always leave a core of our character unrevealed.” Then Smedes argues that one of the best ways to answer the question of who we are is to look at the promises we have made and which shape our lives because of keeping them. Keller further reasons, “Since promising is the key to identity, it is the very essence of marital love. Why? Because it is our promises that give us a stable identity, and without a stable identity, it is impossible to have a stable relationship.” A stable relationship built upon keeping the covenant promise of marriage is the only way to meet the deepest needs of a wife for security. The unpredictable future is more secure because my husband vowed in front of everyone to ALWAYS, UNCONDITIONALLY, LOVE ME!
Application: What does this mean for you as a husband? Never view your relationship with your wife as a consumer relationship—measuring what I am getting out of this against what I am putting into this. Our vow is to God to love this woman unconditionally. The source of our motivation to pour out our love for her does NOT depend upon what we get back. It is rooted in a commitment to keep our promise. It is rooted in experiencing the unconditional agape love of Christ myself and then giving it to her. When I catch criticism or don’t feel valued, I am tempted to emotionally withdraw into my man cave and sulk. Remaining there, however is turning my marriage into a consumer relationship—I’m not getting back what I am putting in, so I stop paying out. For a wife to flourish, she must know that our love for her does not come and go like the wind, here one day, there tomorrow. Rather it is as stable and predictable as the rising sun. Our feelings do ebb and flow. But covenantal love is an unwavering commitment to love her always. It is the only human love that can make her heart feel secure, and the reason I must walk with Christ.
B. She Needs Your FULL PARTNERSHIP at HOME.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are joint heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Pet. 3:7). In the Greco-Roman world to which Peter sent his letter, women were demeaned for at least two reasons. First, the Roman world valued brute strength above nearly all other virtues. By such strength Roman legions had conquered the world! The woman was the weaker vessel, using brute strength as the measure. But Roman culture also elevated reason above feelings. Cold logic was supreme. It was to rule the lesser passions, just as men were made to rule the “lesser beings,” women and slaves. NT scholar Richard Lensky gives us the cultural background behind Paul’s identification of women as weaker vessels. By Romans standards, “the wife is the weaker vessel. Paganism always tends to abuse her on this account. Her rights are reduced often greatly. Her status is lowered, often shamefully. Heavy loads are put on her. She is made man’s plaything or slave. The fact that she is weaker is always exploited” (1 Peter Commentary). Peter, knowing that Eve was created the full equal of Adam as one bearing the image of God, and that women are full and equal member of the body of Christ would have none of this polluted, abusive, corrupt Greco-Roman thinking in the church. He makes three points:
1. Your wives are joint heirs with you of the grace of life. The Greek word used here adds “SUN,” “with” to the word for inheritor, i.e. coinheritors. So, the emphasis is on equally sharing in the grace of life, the working out of God’s grace in our everyday lives. Men can fail to treat their wives as full partners on the home front in two ways—either by being too passive on the home front or by not properly weighing her opinion about decisions you make on the home front. Because of the way she is created, a wife naturally defaults to concern for her home, even if she spends much of her time away in the work world. A wife sees her home as a reflection of herself. If her home is in constant disrepair, she feels ashamed when others visit. Since a woman’s home is such an extension of herself, when her husband doesn’t seem to pay much attention to her honey-do list, she receives the message that she isn’t that important to her husband.
Being joint heirs of the grace of life also means stepping up and being the father that your kids need, involved with their kids. In one study, only 4% of teen girls felt that they could go to their FATHERS about a serious problem. In another study, when teens under stress were asked, where they would turn for help in a crisis, dads were 48th on the list (Great Dad’s Seminar). Being a full partner with her at home means being on the same page with your wife when it comes to disciplining the children, and not undermining her authority. It means demanding that your kids respect their mother. It includes being the spiritual leader of the family.
Our wife is God’s gift to us, a set of glasses to bring into focus for us meeting our responsibilities at home. She usually feels the weight of these responsibilities more than we do. We get distracted with work and other projects. Her radar detects things that need attention in the children. The result is that many times, wives feel very alone in their concerns for their home and family. This is the loneliness of carrying heavy responsibility by herself. She needs to feel that she and her husband are both carrying the responsibilities for their marriage, home, and family. After all, marriage to her means having a companion beside her as she travels through life with her husband, meeting their responsibilities, together.
2. Instead of dishonoring her because she is a woman, a godly man is to bestow honor on his wife because she is! This “so called” weaker vessel, just happens to have the abilities and strengths that the male gender desperately needs. Instead of demeaning wives for being like fine crystal instead of clay mugs, or being intuitive, when we are logical, or being shaped by feelings instead of linear reasoning, godly men cry out with the French, “Viva La Difference.” At the very point at which abusive men call her weak, godly men are to protect and cherish her.
One of the best ways to honor her is to carry your weight as the spiritual leader so the crushing burden of responsibility doesn’t fall on her but you. In the Rosbergs’ book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, wives ranked spiritual intimacy as their third greatest need, after unconditional love, and emotional intimacy. Her husband’s commitment to Christ is the foundation of the trust that she needs to have in him. She needs to trust her husband in:
- his own walk with God
- his support of her spiritual growth
- his spiritual upbringing of the children
- his decisions that affect the family, and
- his spiritual leadership in the home
Bearing this leadership responsibility frees her to be the necessary ally you need—the partner with clear vision on the home front—who thrives in that assisting role.
3. If YOU don’t treat HER weaknesses with grace, GOD will not treat YOUR weaknesses with grace—he will not answer your prayers asking for help with your weaknesses. We are to honor, not demean our wife’s weaknesses, says Peter, so that your prayers may not be hindered. A few chapters later Peter gives the secret that explains why this particular failure of a husband—not treating his wife’s weaknesses with grace—would lead to his own prayers being unanswered. In 5:5 Peter writes, For God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. It is a husband’s pride that causes him to be so critical of his wife’s weaknesses and unwilling to grant her the grace to need Christ’s help. If I am a bridegroom full of criticism for my wife’s weaknesses instead of grace, why should I expect my bridegroom, Christ, NOT to be full of criticism instead of grace, FOR ME, when I make my prayer requests known? Such pride will cause God to resist me.
Application: Here is a series of questions that you might use to fully engage with your wife about the home front:
- Of these household projects which ones are the highest priority to you?
- What regular tasks in caring for the family do you dislike the most or find most difficult?
- In what household tasks do you feel most alone?
- When I am seeking to help you carry your load, which tasks would you like me to do for you and which tasks would you prefer that I do WITH you?
- What are your biggest concerns about the kids right now?
- What are some of the things sometimes find yourself worrying about? What are the most pressing family problems that we need to address?
- How are we doing in the discipline of our children? What areas need to be improved?
- What character training needs to be our focus right now with each of the children?
- What are the specific things you see that we need to pray about concerning each one of the kids?
- When is the best time to build time to pray together into our schedule?
For Further Prayerful Thought:
- In your own words, how would you explain to a friend what the difference is in viewing marriage as a consumer relationship or covenantal relationship?
- In what secular environments might you winsomely try to show how much more sense the biblical view of marriage is than any other?
- Are there some burdens related to your home life that you need to help your wife carry? Are there some questions you need to ask to better see what she is seeing on the home front or better know how to share her feeling of responsibility for her home?
