Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. In Jesus’ most famous sermon, he taught that angry, critical words can very easily explode from our mouths and rip like shrapnel into the most tender, sensitive part of a person’s soul—his self-esteem. And in the eyes of Jesus sending verbal bullets into another’s soul, cutting, tearing, wounding his self-image is a crime that is worthy of God’s judgement as surely as sending lead bullets into a person’s body. Both, said Jesus, are violations of the 5th commandment, which prohibits us from harming another, “You shall not murder.” Words can wound and destroy.
In contrast, is God the Father’s use of words to build up The Son. Two of the three times that God the Father spoke audibly in the NT, God used his words to praise his son, This is my beloved son IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED. If we are to pattern our fatherhood after God’s, one of the first things we need to give attention to is OUR WORDS. This episode helps dads IMPART LIFE to their loved ones through the power of their tongue.
God has designed the human family so that THE WORDS OF THE FATHER have enormous power to impact the heart of a child to build and encourage, or to dishearten and destroy confidence. Former NFL linebacker, Dave Simmons grew up under the tyranny of an impatient, unreasonable father, whose words destroyed. He writes:
To this day I can’t capture the feeling of a job well done. I constantly focus on my mistakes and am negative towards all I do. I set goals too high and fail. I sabotage things and fail. I resent and rebel against authority and fail. I go to ridiculous lengths to reach perfection in order to get compliments and recognition for my work, but then I can’t accept compliments and feel like a failure. Even though all the facts say, I am successful, my emotions convince me that I am a failure. (Great Dads Seminar).
When it comes to our words, the childhood rhyme we learned, “Sticks and stones can break my bones. but words can never hurt me,” is false. Long after a bruise or broken bone has healed, we still remember the words that have wounded our self-esteem. My wife, Sandy, was made fun of by a kid in a sandbox, saying “sandy, sandy” pushing sand in her face and she would not let anyone call her Sandy again until she was in high school. To this day, her brother and sisters all call her Sandra. Early in Jesus portrait of kingdom living, (Matt 5:21ff), he addresses the subject of harm done by our tongue. He cites three categories of toxic words:
1. Angry words. “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; Anger is not sinful in and of itself. Mark tells us that Jesus was angry at the scribes and Pharisees’ hardness of heart because they put their petty legalistic rules ahead of compassion for the man with a withered hand. But most of OUR anger is selfish anger, and the outflow of our sinful nature. The particular word which Jesus used was the word for anger that has NOT been dealt with—but left simmering on the back burner. One of the first father disciplines we must learn as successful dads is to deal with our anger constructively. Paul commanded, Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil (Eph 4:26-27).
2. Jesus continues with the second category of verbal assault Dads must avoid.
Whoever calls his brother a raca will be liable to the council; The most literal interpretation of raca is “empty-headed,” i.e. breeze brain, or brainless. Jesus is talking here about words spoken to another that make him feel stupid, injuring his self-esteem by attacking his intelligence.)
- Crass: “You idiot.” “You moron.” “You just don’t get it do you?”
- More subtle: “I can’t believe you would do that--translation, I can’t believe you’re that dumb.
- Sarcastic words: “Don’t tell me YOU figured out how to put it together.”
- Impatient words: “When are you ever going to learn to close the door when you pee.”
ANY TIME YOU MAKE SOMEONE FEEL STUPID, even if you do it accidentally, YOU DEEPLY WOUND HIM.
3. Jesus continues and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire (vs 22). Jesus is talking here about an attack upon one’s character:
- Crass: “Why don’t you just admit you are too lazy to do it.” “You are so self-centered; you never think of anyone else.”
- More subtle: “YOU NEVER put away your toys.” “YOU ALWAYS spend too much at Christmas.”
- Indirect: “It would be nice if I got a little help around here once in a while.”
Notice that back in the Matthew text, Jesus’ words about the severity of the punishment that each crime demands escalates—liable to judgement, liable to the council, liable to the hell of fire. Angry words hurt, making another feel stupid is worse, but attacking a person’s character deserves severe punishment. BEING A GREAT DAD begins with an intense commitment to obedience to Eph 4:29, Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouths, but only such a word as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
But for Christian dads, TOTAL SANCTIFICATION does not come with membership in the fatherhood club! Every father on earth is going to harm his wife and kids with angry, hurtful words. Moreover, Proverbs 15:1 warns, Sharp words stir up anger. There are millions of angry, bitter kids out there because their father wounded their spirit. What is the solution for imperfect dads? Jesus gives the answer as he continues in Matthew 5…So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift (vs 23-24).
Years ago, a wise man said to me, “Gary when you screw up and really hurt someone—you need to man up and take responsibility for the injury you caused.” You need to go and seek forgiveness for that wrong. I remember an occasion when I was very ugly and impatient to my four-year-old daughter, Karen on the way into church. Just a few minutes before I was to preach, my friend Rick led the pastoral prayer. Rick’s prayer always had a way of taking me to the throne of God. As I was praying, “Lord here is the sermon I prepared. I put it on the altar for you to use,” Matt 5:23 flashed into my mind, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. I knew I had really hurt my tender-hearted daughter who is totally wired to want to please me. I got up in the middle of the prayer, walked to the children’s church room, asked Karen to come into the hall, and bent down. Looking into her eyes, I said, “Sweetheart, I really hurt you by my angry words to you. You did not deserve those words. I want to ask you, ‘Will you forgive me?’” She said, “Yes,” and I returned just in time to preach with a clear conscience. I am so grateful for the brother who challenged me, “Brother, when you SCREW UP, you need to MAN UP, and take responsibility for the harm you’ve caused.” We must ask forgiveness when we have harmed our kids. Otherwise, their wounded spirit may lead them to bitterness—driven to rebellion against us and everything we stand for!
Words A Great Dad DOES Use
And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him; and a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, WITH WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED” (Matt 3:16-17).
I believe that this text is one of the most profound in Scripture about the father/son paradigm that God the Father and God the Son model. Here, and again on the Mt of Transfiguration, God the Father says the two things to God the Son that every son and daughter most want to hear from their father: I love you and I am proud of you. In the last forty years, a whole field of Christian Psychology has emerged that recognizes the profound need children have for the affirmation of their father. No matter how successful, how affectionate, or how committed to Christ a father might be, unless the dad regularly follows the pattern of God the Father in verbally affirming Jesus’ character, the child will have an emotional deficit, which has been labeled the father wound. I know that psychobabble is overdone and often excuses are found for sinful behavior. But in this case, I believe such findings make sense. The Father’s relationship with The Son is the paradigm for all father-child relationships, and the audible, verbal affirmation, “in whom I am well-pleased” is striking. God the Father is telling Jesus that his righteous character is pleasing to himself, the Holy One of Israel. Christ-like character is what pleases and glorifies the Father. By this is my Father glorified, said Jesus, “That you bear much FRUIT and so prove to be my disciples” (John 15:8) The FRUIT of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). Paul tells us that God’s very purpose for believers is to be conformed to the character of Christ. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. (Rom 8:29). God the Father wants to look into the soul of US—who are Jesus’ brothers—and see Jesus, because we are so much like him!
Five Reasons Our Kids Need Our Words of Praise
1. Because of what kids are up against: Research shows:
- Parents give 10 negative comments to every positive comment
- Schools give 18 negative comments to every positive comment
- When kids enter the first grade 80% have a positive view of themselves. When leave 6th grace that slips to 10%.
Joe White who ran a large Christian sports camp in the Ozarks and dealt with tens of thousands of teens, says, “nearly every tragic teen problem has a common root: low self-image.” (Great Dads Seminar Notes.)
2. Because in God’s design of children, every child wants to hear his father’s words, “I’m proud of you.” This inference is from the pattern of The Father’s words of approval of Jesus, but it also very visible in everyday human experience. The power of praise became obvious to me some years ago in an incident with my second-born son. One morning, four-year-old Tim got up before the rest of the family, went down to the kitchen, and proceeded to set the table for breakfast. He pulled the chair over to the cabinet, got down the bowls, found the boxes of cereal, and climbed up to the top refrigerator shelf to get the milk. When I arrived in the kitchen and saw what Tim had done, I raved about it, saying, “Tim, you’ve just shown a godly character trait called initiative—recognizing and doing what needs to be done before you are asked to do it.” He answered, “Yeah . . . aniffitiff!” When each of the other five family members arrived at the breakfast table, I praised Tim to them. Guess what I found Tim doing the next morning? Yes, setting the table again. Verbal affirmation is incredibly powerful!
3. Because everyone needs the powerful motivation of praise. In Jesus’ parable of the talents, in Matt 25:14ff, Jesus appeals to the human desire of the servant to hear the words, “well done” from his master. In Proverbs 31, God motivates women to be virtuous in character by saying that their husbands will praise them, their children will praise them, and even God himself states they are worthy of praise: A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Praise is a tremendous human motivator. Fathers must give their children the spiritual power that comes from praising their Christ-like character qualities.
4. Because it is a father’s job to encourage. Paul wrote to the church at Thessalonica, For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory (1 Thes 2:11-13). When a child is learning to walk, we intuitively know that she is looking for our words of encouragement—not our words of correction. We never thought of saying, “Point your toes ahead. Keep your arms up. Swing your arms opposite to your stride. What’s the matter with you?” No. We were saying, “You can do it. Attagirl. Keep on coming.” What happens to parents who excitedly affirm every achievement of the baby and toddler, then turn into critical, fault-finding nags a few years later?
5. Because praising a child’s character sets his focus on godly character. It teaches him TO WIN APPROVAL, not by their outward appearance or athletic prowess, which they cannot control. Setting their focus on godly character is what God does. He appeals to women’s God-given desire to be beautiful. Peter writes, Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. David appeals to his son’s desire to be strong with the words on his deathbed, I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man, and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn (1 Kings 2:2-3).
Words of praise are like a glass of cool water on a scorching afternoon, refreshing our thirsty, insecure souls with the truth that we have worth. Ever since our race’s sin broke our fellowship with God, we have been unsure of ourselves. Praising our children’s godly character affirms their worth and sets their focus on building Christ-like character, which is also the path to flourishing. That is why the beatitudes (blessed are the humble, meek, pure in heart, merciful, etc.) begin with the word, “blessed,” (makarios) which is the Greek word for ultimate well-being.
Overcoming The Biggest Obstacle To Praising Godly Character In Our Children
In my view, the biggest reason we fail to encourage our children towards Christ-like character is that we don’t notice such examples of Christ-likeness, because we have only a vague picture of being Christ-like. Let’s put it positively. If we were more familiar with each of the eight specific beatitudes (Matt 5:3-12), had a clear picture of each of the nine fruit of the Spirit, had a specific definition for each virtue in Peter’s golden chain of virtues (2 Peter 1:5-8), or could define clearly every facet of James’ wisdom from above (James 3:13-18)—we would recognize these virtues in our children and praise them accordingly. We dads are ourselves called TO BE LIKE CHRIST. Doing a word study of each of the godly heart attitudes mentioned in the lists above is valuable three ways. 1) It helps us better glorify God by becoming more like Christ. 2) It also enables us to teach godly character and 3) to notice godly character in our kids. When I bought a Toyota Sienna van, I suddenly started to notice all the other Sienna vans on the road. When you are setting your focus on becoming Christ-like in character, studying what those facets of righteousness look like—you equip yourself to teach them but also TO NOTICE those demonstrations of character in your kids. By way of illustration, lets sharpen the clarity of our understanding of just two fruit of the Spirit.
1. Love. Making whatever sacrifice is necessary to meet the needs of another, without the motive of person reward. (God so loved the world that he gave his son)
- Agape love (this word) is an act of the will, not an emotional feeling
- Love looks for a way to give to another’s needs
- In one sense, the opposite of love is selfishness
- In another sense, the opposite of love is apathy
- Love is closely aligned with servanthood. Be servants to one another in love (Gal 5:13).
- Loving a child requires firmly disciplining him or her. Whom the Lord loves, he disciplines (Heb 13).
- Love requires profoundly knowing the loved ones so I know what they need.
2. Joy. Inner spiritual exuberance that can be felt even in the midst of sorrow. Paul gives us three clues to joy: Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks (1 Thes 5:16-18).
- God’s command, Rejoice always is parallel to other texts that instruct us to rejoice IN THE LORD and DELIGHT YOURSELF in the Lord. God wants us to take time to enjoy him—to draw near to him (In your presence is fullness of joy (Ps 16:11) and celebrate who he is and how much he enjoys us. One of the best places to celebrate who he is, is outdoors, because the creation mirrors who God is, causing us to see and feel him.
- Pray without ceasing. Specific answers to specific prayers bring great joy. Recently I’ve been devoting myself in prayer to asking that God will use my book, Anchoring Your Child to God’s Truth in a Gender-Confused Culture across America. After several weeks of this intensive prayer, another Christian organization contacted me to seek to do its own printing of the book to accompany a special TV show they are doing in August on Gender Confusion. It’s great to see ministry move ahead. But this has a greater joy because I know it is a specific answer to a specific prayer. When you get to see God act, it brings great joy.
- In everything give thanks. Gratefulness is making know to God and others in what ways they’ve benefitted my life. The more I cultivate a grateful heart, the more joy I will have.
For Further Prayerful Thought
- What is your biggest struggle in controlling your tongue?
- Growing up, did you hear, “I’m proud of you” much from your dad?
- Why do you think these words from our dad have so much power?
- How can you do a better job of praising those under your care?
