Everyone likes approval. We enjoy seeing our teachers’ A at the top of our essay. Fresh oxygen is breathed into our motivation when we hear, “good game.” Our shelves are covered with our athletic awards and our walls are lined with framed certificates that verify that we have been approved by an educational institution to receive a high school, bachelor’s, master’s, or doctor’s degree. Wanting approval often leads us down a path to success and achievement; but it can also lead us in directions of compromise, regret, and self-loathing, when we weakly surrender to peer pressure. We all know the experience of hearing our conscience warn us, “say no” but instead saying “yes” in order to fit in. We have all been in situations where we sensed the leading of God’s Spirit to identify ourselves as Christians, but have wimped out. We have all looked back with regret on times we should have stood for righteousness but caved. The goal of this episode is to help us seek God’s approval MORE and the world’s approval LESS.
Author, Keith Leenhouts, tells a moving story about the way our hearts are shaped to want approval—in this case the approval of a father. It is about football coach Lou Little at Georgetown University and a player he coached, named Jerry. Jerry wasn’t very skilled. He practiced all the time, getting in the game only occasionally. But in four years, this dedicated, loyal young man never missed a practice. The coach, deeply impressed with Jerry’s loyalty and dedication to the team, also marveled at his evident devotion to his father. Several times the coach had seen Jerry and his visiting father on the campus talking, visiting with one another, walking arm in arm around campus. But the coach had never met the father or talked with Jerry about him.
During Jerry’s senior year, and a few nights before the most important game of the season—a traditional rivalry like Army/Navy, Michigan/Ohio State, the coach heard a knock on his door. Opening the door, he saw Jerry, his face full of sadness. “Coach, my father just died,” Jerry murmured, “Is it okay if I miss practice a few days and go home?” The coach said he was very sorry to hear the news and it of course it was alright for him to go home. As Jerry murmured a thank you and turned to leave, the coach added, “Please don’t feel you have to return for the game this Saturday. You are certainly excused from that too.” The youth nodded and left.
But on Friday night, just hours before the big game, Jerry again stood in the coach’s doorway. Jerry said, “Coach I have a request of you. May I please start the game tomorrow?” The coach tried to dissuade the youth but finally consented. That night the coach tossed and turned. Why in the world had he said, “Yes” to the youth. The opposing team was favored by 21 points. He needed his best players in the entire game. Suppose the opening kick off came to Jerry and he fumbled. Obviously, he could not let the kid play. But…he had promised.
So, as the bands played and the crows roared, Jerry stood at the goal line awaiting the opening kickoff. The coach thought to himself, “the ball probably won’t go to him anyway.” Then the coach would run few plays and take Jerry out of the game. That way, he wouldn’t have to worry about the crucial fumble, and he would have kept his promise.
“O no,” the coach thought as he watched the ball float end over end right into Jerry’s arms. But instead of fumbling, Jerry, hugged the ball tightly, dodged three tacklers and ran to mid-field before being tackled. The coach had never seen Jerry run with such agility and power…and perhaps sensing something great, he had the quarterback call a running play for Jerry. He responded by breaking tackles for a 20-yard gain. A few plays later, Jerry carried the ball over the goal line. The opponents were stunned. Who in the world was this kid, anyway? He wasn’t in their scouting report, for up to that point, he had played a total of 3 minutes all season. Well, the coach left Jerry in on offense and defense (some guys played both ways back then) and Jerry did it all…tackling, intercepting, knocking down passes, blocking, and running. At the half the underdogs led by 14. The second half started. Jerry continued to inspire his team, and when the final whistle blew his team had won.
In the locker room the coach sought Jerry out and found him sitting quietly, head in hands in a far corner. The coach asked, putting his arm around the boy, “Son, what happened out there? You’re not that fast. You’re not that quick. You’re not that talented?” Jerry looked at the coach and said softly, “You see coach, my father was blind. This was the first game he ever saw me play.”
Jerry’s passion ignited enormous power and energy; he was playing for his father’s approval. There is another man who lived for his father’s approval. His name was Jesus. He said things like, My food is to do the will of him who sent me (John 4:34), I always do the things that are PLEASING to my Father (John 8:29), and Father, I glorified you on earth having accomplished the work that you gave me to do, and Not my will but your will be done. And Jesus had heard the words he most wanted to hear, spoken audibly by The Father from heaven on three separate occasions, This is my beloved Son with whom I am WELL PLEASED (Matt 3:17, 12:18, 17:5).
I believe the dynamic between Jesus and his heavenly father reveals a paradigm for all humans: God has created us with the heart longing for the approval of our heavenly father--to hear, “this is my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.” We see this truth from the world of general revelation where much biblical counseling in recent years has identified what has been called, “the father wound.” It is the wound to children’s hearts that occurs when their need for their father’s approval goes unmet. I believe that earthly fathers serve temporarily during their children’s early years as surrogates for the heavenly father whose love and affirmation their children eventually need to experience first-hand to flourish.
Being created with a longing for God’s approval is not only revealed in the example of Jesus and in human experience; it also goes with being created as God’s image bearer to be a vice-ruler FOR him. If my identity is to represent God in the way I rule over my life, I will constantly look to him for approval of my behavior in order to represent him WELL. Just as the employee seeks to please his boss, the pupil his teacher, the player his coach, God’s image bearers seek to know what pleases our God so we represent him as he wishes. That is why we hear the biblical writers say things like:
- Walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him (Col 1:10).
- Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God (Heb 13:16).
- Walk as children of light… and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord (Eph 5:9-10).
So, we are created with a deep hunger in our heart for the approval of the High King as we rule our lives FOR him. This hunger is further identified in one of Jesus’ parables.
A man going on a journey, called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability….Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master’ (Matt 25:14-23).
Of course we know that the rest of the parable is about the unfaithful steward. In this parable, Jesus appeals to our God given desire, to hear, “Well done,” from the lips of our master. He has entrusted to you a sphere of life, over which you are to be his faithful steward on planet earth. This sphere includes your heart attitudes, body, skills, talents, spiritual gifts, family relationships, vocational calling, money, apartment or home. Every single day, we have the opportunity to bring a smile to God’s face by making choices that please him. We were created to crave his affirmation and approval. Have you ever considered thinking back over your day or week and sensing God's approval for those times you did please him?
One of the problems our race faces, however, is that our need for God’s approval has been corrupted into a hunger for man’s approval. To recognize the breadth and depth of this corruption, we need only think about Peter the boldest and strongest of the disciples, who boasted that though the other disciples would fall away from Jesus, he never would. Jesus’ response was, “O really. Before the rooster crows twice tomorrow morning you will have denied me three times.” As you know, Peter did just that, even invoking a curse on himself, swearing, “I do not know this man of whom you speak.” Immediately the rooster crowed a second time and we read that Peter, broke down and wept (Mark 14:66-72). I suspect that every one of us has felt that shame of denying our Lord.
How To Intensify Desire to Please God and Reduce Desire to Be People-pleasers
A. Understand that being liked by everyone is not a panacea but a trap.
- The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe (Prov 29:25)
- How miserable for you when everybody says nice things about you, for that is exactly how their fathers treated the false prophets (Luke 6:26).
The fact is that the painful conviction that we have denied Christ hurts more than the rejection of our non-Christian friends. And similarly, the pleasure of knowing that we have winsomely identified ourselves as a Christ-follower, said “no” to an invitation to do wrong, or in some other way taken a loving stand for righteousness brings with it a special joy that outweighs the pain of not fitting in. Jesus put it this way, Happy are those who have suffered persecution for the cause of goodness. (Matt 5:10).
B. Expect to not fit in to the world. Jesus said, If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. IF WE WANT THE WORLD TO LOVE US WE HAVE TO BE LIKE THE WORLD. But God’s Covenant people were never intended to be like the world but chosen to be a blessing to the world by shining our spiritual light. In a book I recently wrote, Anchoring Your Child to God’s Truth in a Gender-Confused Culture, I point out the importance of explaining to their teens why they don’t fit in to the secular world around them.
In 1 Peter 2:9, Peter challenges his readers to consider their special identity in the world: But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. The LGBTQ worldview that fractures the human person into 1) sex assigned at birth, 2) physical attraction, 3) emotional attraction, 4) gender identity, and 5) gender roles, which every individual has the right to determine for himself, herself, or "itself" comes from the world of darkness. That darkness fiercely opposes the biblical worldview of sexuality. For example, if your daughter were to mention that she believes that God’s command for Christian wives to submit to their husbands reflects His good design for marriage, she would likely be mercilessly scorned by her friends. But just as Abraham’s posterity was chosen not to fit in to the fallen world but to be a blessing to it, Christians, the spiritual seed of Abraham, are to be a blessing to the world, which is still shrouded in the darkness of sin. Jesus said, You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven (Matt. 5:14-16).
There is a lot more in the book calling teens and adults to love those in the LGBTQ life well before even discussing worldviews. Yet our kids need to see that they have light concerning the meaning of gender and sexuality that the world doesn't have!
C. Realize what a privilege it is to give God pleasure. That is the definition of pleasing God. Out of gratefulness and love for him, we can give him this gift!
- The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love (Ps 147:10-11).
- I know, my God, that you test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness (1 Chr 29:17).
Alistair Begg, in his book, Made for His Pleasure, describes an experience that helped him realize how meaningful it is to give God pleasure. After seeing his son score his very first goal in soccer, he writes:
I wasn’t prepared for the tears that smarted in my eyes…I had not realized it was possible to take such intense delight in, to be so incredibly pleased by, seeing someone else succeed. I thought about it then and I have considered it often since then. If I, and earthly father can know such a sensation of pleasure in the well being of my son, surely that gives an inkling of how our heavenly father feels when we please him. If we could only grasp and be grasped by this, our lives would be revolutionized.
D. Remembering that our Lord is worthy of your supreme allegiance. That is what loving him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength means! As we have been observing in this episode, the masculine heart has a great capacity for allegiance. Men want to follow a Commander-In-Chief who leads us to take the hill. But we want to follow a leader who is worthy of our full devotion. We want a leader we respect:
- One who never asks us to do something he hasn’t done,
- One who leads us on a mission that matters,
- One who wins our allegiance because of his unselfish loyalty to us.
You and I were created to please and honor Jesus. There is:
- No more decorated warrior
- No more compelling commander
- No more loving master
- No more inspiring example
- No more deserving king
- No more worthy lord….. to want to please, than King Jesus.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
- What are the situations in your life where you are most tempted to want man’s approval instead of God’s?
- How can you be more proactive thinking about how God wants you to be a blessing and light to the lost world around you?
- What is it about Jesus that most captures your desire to be loyal to him?
