To understand the significance you have through those God has put in your life, let’s do some math. If you impact just 35 people in your whole lifetime, including those you love most, your family members, and each of those 35 impacts just 35 others during his or her lifetime, by the time you get to the fourth generation, (i.e. your great-grandchildren’s generation) YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE IMPACTED 1,500,625 other people.Your life matters, especially in your role as the spiritual leader of your home, but also in all the other spiritual leadership roles you fill. This episode shows how to maximize the power of our influence in our leadership role with others.
Last week, we began a three-week study of spiritual leadership using a simple diagram called, Spiritual Leadership is Influence. To understand how effective leadership works, we identified three components of leadership and how they relate to one another:
We saw last time that effective leadership is all about the relationships between these 3 parts, which follows the three arrows on the diagram (orange, green, and brown). 1) The leader must, himself, FOCUS upon and MODEL commitment to his own spiritual maturity. 2) A leader’s influence is completely dependent upon the quality of his RELATIONSHIP with his followers, which the leader must BUILD. 3) The leader EQUIPS and ASSISTS his followers to keep taking steps towards the goal, spiritual maturity. After introducing this diagram last week, we focused on the orange arrow across the bottom, the first goal of the leader, i.e. to stay focused on spiritual maturity in his own life, so he can model it.
Today our topic is the vertical green arrow, the need for a leader to BUILD a RELATIONSHIP with his followers. If leadership were the same as authority, this relationship would matter very little. The one holding the authority could simply boss his wife, children, coworkers, or players to do the right thing. But leadership is INFLUENCE; a leader wins the heart of his followers, so the followers are self-motivated to follow their leaders. It is hard to overstate this principle, especially with regard to SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP. We can use our authority to coerce obedience to the biblical rules, including worshipping God. But the result will be legalism and moralism, i.e. external behavior change. Instead, our ultimate goal is to win our kids’ hearts: I think of one adult looking back on the way his father influenced him to follow Jesus. He said, “I loved my dad, and he loved Christ. I just couldn’t separate the two.”
Typically, those around us don’t care about US and WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO US (like becoming mature Christians) until we first care about THEM and WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO THEM. One leadership expert writes:
Before you can do anything else in the lives of others, you must show them love. Without it, there can be no connection, no future, and no success together. Think back to some key people who have had an impact on your life: an incredible teacher, a fantastic boss, a special aunt or uncle. Undoubtedly, when you spent time with those people, you could sense that they cared about you. And in return, you responded positively to them (John Maxwell, Becoming a Person of Influence).
Five Ways Jesus the Model Leader Built His Relationship with His Followers
1. Through UNDERSTANDING. By taking on human flesh, God, the Son came into our world. He sweat real sweat. Hitting his fingers with the hammer hurt him as much as it hurts us. He understands us at a gut level because he came into our world, leading the author of Hebrews to encourage us, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Heb 4:15-16).
Good leaders get into the world of their followers if they can. My life was changed forever because a man named, John Hartsock, came into my high school world, to show me the love of Christ through the ministry of Young Life. This incarnational ministry principle empowers leaders to be able to relate to what their followers are going through and shows an interest in THEIR life that, frankly, wins their hearts.
A second aspect of understanding, that all great leaders recognize as indispensable to their ability to influence others and succeed is listening well. Lyndon Johnson, while a junior senator from Texas had a sign on his office wall that read, You ain’t learnin nothin when you’re doin all the talkin. John Maxwell identifies six reasons it is essential for leaders to develop strong listening skills:
- Listening shows respect
- Listening builds relationships
- Listening increases knowledge
- Listening generates ideas
- Listening builds loyalty
- Listening helps you know how to help others and yourself (Becoming a Person of Influence).
Listening well is essential for all leadership, but especially for meeting the need of our wife and children to feel understood. One Christian counselor reminds us,
The first condition for mutual understanding is the desire for, the seeking after, and the willing of that understanding. Such a statement may appear very commonplace. Nevertheless, this basic attitude towards understanding others is rarer than we think. Listen to all the conversations of our world…They are for the most part dialogues of the deaf. Each one speaks in order to set forth his own ideas (Paul Tournier, To Understand Each Other).
B. Through AFFIRMATION. The way Jesus encouraged his followers is perhaps most visible to us in the way he encouraged Peter after Peter denied him three times. That evening, Peter was boasting that he loved Jesus more than the other disciples. Mark 14:27 reads, And Jesus said to them, “You will all fall away, for it is written, ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered….’ Peter said to him, “Even though THEY all fall away, I will not.” And Jesus said to him, “Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.”
With that background, let’s look at John 21 which takes place after Jesus’ resurrection. Peter and six other disciples had gone fishing. Jesus has just conducted a miracle just like the miracle he did when he first called Peter to be a fisher of men—supernaturally filling their nets with fish. They cooked breakfast. We then read: When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” Now, Peter has learned his lesson. He does NOT say YES, I love you more than these other six disciples. He just says, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” Then, Jesus said to him, “Feed my lambs.” Three times Peter had denied Jesus, so Jesus now gives Peter three opportunities to affirm his sincere devotion to him and three times Jesus accepts that profession, restoring Peter to the task of feeding his lambs. He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.
Jesus was quite intentional about encouraging this future leader of his church. Few things help a person the way encouragement does. It is oxygen for the soul. When a person feels encouraged, he can face the impossible and overcome incredible adversity. Peter would, himself, one day face crucifixion. Secular research reveals the power of encouragement:
An experiment was conducted years ago to measure people’s capacity to endure pain. Psychologists measured how long a barefooted person could stand in a bucket of ice water. They found that one factor made it possible for some people to stand in the ice water twice as long as the others. Can you guess what the factor was? It was encouragement. When another person was present, giving support and encouragement, the sufferers were able to endure the pain much longer than their unencouraged counterparts (Maxwell, Becoming a Person of Influence).
C. Through COMPANIONSHIP. In Mark 3:14, Jesus reveals to us another vital key to leadership influence. We read, He appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach. Jesus’ leadership plan was to equip and send them out, to preach. This is the third arrow (brown) of the Spiritual Leadership Is Influence diagram, which we will look at next week. But notice that he first chose them to be with him. When we realize that leadership is not an authority position but influence, it becomes obvious that there is no substitute for the time required to build a relationship of love and trust with our followers.
If you want to influence others, and you desire to get them moving in the right direction, you must connect with them before you try to take them anywhere. Attempting to do it before connecting is a common mistake of inexperienced leaders. Trying to move others before going through the connection process with them can lead to mistrust, resistance, and strained relationships. Always remember that you have to share yourself before you try to share the journey (Ibid).
The common experiences you share with followers don’t have to be dramatic. Share meals with people. Go to a ball game together. Play with your kids a lot! Doing things together that create a common history helps to connect you to others. Jesus’ leadership of the twelve was loaded with impact because they were “with him.” They did life together, which increases influence.
D. Through his COMPASSIONATE HEART. They continually saw his compassion in action: And a leper came to Jesus, beseeching Him and falling on his knees before Him, and saying, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.” Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed (Mark 1: 40-42).
Jesus had the guts to call the Pharisees “snakes,” whose moral stench was like that of “rotting bodies.” But he was also tenderhearted. Even though Jesus’ strength is essential to attract me to him as a man, so is his tenderheartedness. Hard-heartedness is an enemy to all leaders; it drives others from us, instead of attracting them to us. All believers are called to tenderheartedness, but it is essential if you want to influence others. Paul writes to the Colossians, Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive (Col 3:12-14). Tenderheartedness requires 1) an identification with sin and failure, 2) an identification with weakness, 3) being appropriately vulnerable about your own failures.
E. Through ATTENTIVENESS TO THEIR PRACTICAL NEEDS. The best way to win another’s heart is to unselfishly focus on serving him or her—meeting their practical needs. Jesus, of course, modeled this care in the feeding of the five thousand and four thousand, and throughout his healing ministry. But he went beyond setting that example; he specifically taught that leadership in his kingdom is about using your leadership influence to serve others.
And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all (Mark 10:40-42).
The fastest way for a leader to alienate his followers is to use his leadership position selfishly. Conversely, when followers see leaders attentive to their needs and doing a little extra to assist them, their hearts are won. One of the best ways for fathers and husbands to express love for their wives and kids is to be attentive to the practical needs around them and lend a hand with practical chores. (Of course, we should share the chores in the first place—but I’m talking about assisting them with their chores.) I know a dad who tried to get up early and wash his college kids cars the morning they left to return to college, as well as stuffing a few 20’s in the kids’ hands. Many of our listeners do this well. Don’t overlook the impact it is having in motivating those you love most to want to follow your leadership as you try to follow Christ.
At the foundation of all effective leadership is the strong caring relationship the leaders has built with his followers.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
1. What do you think are the three most important ways a spiritual leader needs to build his relationship with his followers to maximize his impact for Christ?
2. Which part of building your relationship with your followers do you need to work on?
