What is romance to a woman? All week long I have been listening to commercials that give answers to this question. One commercial takes a straw poll of women in the radio studio on whether they would prefer a dozen roses or a day at the spa as a Valentine’s Day gift. In unison, all the ladies yell out, "spa." Never mind the fact that a day at the spa costs 5 times as much as the roses (which is saying a lot in view of the cost of roses on Valentine's Day!)
Proverbs 5:15-20, along with verses from the Song of Songs, make it clear that God wants husbands and wives to enjoy a strong, vibrant romance with each other. Romance is about feelings, and in a fallen world, stoking the fire of our feelings of love for each other is a great benefit in overcoming our natural selfishness. However, if romance is to be kindled, I need to understand what romance is to my wife, because I've learned the hard way that she doesn't think of romance the same way I do. Here are the four best insights I've learned over the past 30 years about what romance is to a wife (with some suggestions about meeting that need throughout the year):
1. Romance to her is about feeling close to you. Dr. Gary Rosberg describes a wife’s idea of romance. “Melody’s idea of intimacy is sitting on the love seat with Dan, a couple of cappuccinos beside them, a roaring fire in front of them, no kids around them, and plenty of time for a good, long, heart to heart talk.” The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women.
- A romantic evening begins with listening to how her day went. Listen to her, being attentive to the feelings behind her words. Especially, try to understand what is affecting her heart.
- Be vulnerable to her. When you open up and become vulnerable, it makes her feel close to you.
- Be constantly affectionate in non-sexual ways. Hug her, touch her arm when you are talking, play with her hair.
- Never stop dating your wife. Take her out, get her away from the kids. Eliminate the distractions so that you can connect emotionally. That is what she needs to feel close to you.
2. Romance to her is about feeling special. “From our survey we learned that every woman needs to feel appreciated, wanted, and loved….As long as he shows me that I’m special—no matter where we are or what we’re doing—that’s romance.” Sanna and Miller, How to Romance the Woman You Love.
- Pamper her. Give her a foot rub.
- Make her feel cherished, beautiful, valued, like a princess.
- Make her feel special by kissing her goodbye when you leave and goodnight when you go to sleep.
- When arriving home from work, track her down and kiss her. Give her the honored first place of your first few minutes at home.
- Fix a hot bath for her, with candles and soft music. You do the dishes and put the kids to bed.
- Honor her in public. Praise her in front of friends. If a beautiful woman walks into the room, whisper into your wife’s ear, “I’m so glad I’m here with YOU.”
- Surprise her. Buy cards, flowers (one rose 6 times a year counts much more than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day.) Little, creative, fun things let her know that you think she’s special and keep her romantic fires burning brightly.
- Exercise good manners. Open her car door. Help her be seated. Manners are a way of showing respect to others. Treating her with respect is showing that you value her.
3. Romance to her is about feeling taken care of, protected, having her load lifted. Her romantic feelings are easily buried under the load of responsibility she carries. So,
- Take her out, away from the kids, the phone, and household tasks that scream out at her to be done.
- You might want to consider a weekly date night, especially if you have small kids. You don't have to spend a lot of money. We often find a place where we can eat a snack and talk. It doesn't have to be a $40 dinner.
- Lift her load. If you are going out for dinner, YOU line up the baby sitter, YOU fix dinner for the kids, while she relaxes. YOU talk to the baby sitter about the instructions concerning the kids. That is treating her like a princess, and that’s romance to her.
- Talk to her about the things in her home and family that are weighing on her. Come to her aid. Be Prince charming. Take some of the load.
4. Romance to her is about feeling desirable to you, her lover. Always touch her heart before you touch her body.
- Look for opportunities all day to praise her inner beauty
- Make her feel that her unique combination of gifts, abilities, and beauty makes her the perfect mate for you
- Tease her about how sexually attractive she is to you
- Tell her how attractive her body is to you. (There is a reason romance novels are called porn for women—women respond sexually to words.)
One last thought. You can’t fake it with your wife. If you are going to cherish her, treat her as special and tell her how desirable she is—she needs to be precious in your eyes. The above ideas show how to touch her heart. But the starting place for romancing her is your heart—telling God how grateful you are for her.
