The tedious journey of helping my daughters choose the right colleges had reached its climax. We were finally heading up the driveway of Covenant College pulling a U-Haul trailer loaded with Kim and Karen's stuff, when Karen said, "I don't want to be here." My natural, masculine inner response was, "NOW YOU TELL ME THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT COLLEGE FOR YOU!!!"
But because of past failures too numerous to count, I actually managed at that moment, to remember something about the way females communicate--and how different it is from the way I communicate.
Karen wasn't telling me that she had made the wrong decision about college; she was telling me HOW SHE FELT. She didn't want to leave her wonderful friends from Sherwood High School and her youth group. She didn't want to meet all new people and have to start over in all her relationships. Withdrawing from Covenant and hauling her stuff back home was the furthest thing from her mind. She wasn't questioning a decision; she was telling us HOW SHE FELT.
I have had to learn that my wife, Sandy is much more likely than I am to be using words to communicate how she feels. If I came home and said, "I hate my job," my next sentence would probably be, "I'm working on my resume tonight." My communication is much more linked to my thought process, and especially to decisions, than to my feelings.
But, not so with Sandy. When she says, "I hate my job,” she is telling me how she feels about her day at work. I have also learned not to panic when Sandy, exasperated by one of my stubborn kids, says, "I'm going to kill that kid."
Deep in the heart of our wives, God has put the yearning to feel understood. As a husband who is called to die to myself to meet her needs, I Know I need to do a better job of listening to and seeking to understand the feelings behind her words.
