I don’t know any man who walked down the wedding aisle expecting his marriage to end in failure; but many marriages do, and most divorces are instigated by unhappy wives. This episode looks at what we can learn from God’s design of marriage that can help our current or future marriage thrive.
In India they tell this legend about the seeming contradictions that make up the nature of a woman.
The Creator took: the slenderness of a reed and the blossoming of flowers, the lightness of leaves and the serenity of the rays of sunshine, the tears of clouds and the instability of the wind, the fearfulness of a rabbit and the vanity of a peacock, the softness of a bird's breast and the hardness of a diamond, the sweetness of honey and the cruelty of a tiger, the burning of fire and the coldness of deep snow, the talkativeness of a magpie and the singing of a nightingale. Mixing all these elements together, the Creator created the woman and gave her to the man.
After one week, the man came back and said: "Lord, the creature that you have given to me makes my life unhappy. She talks without ceasing and torments me intolerably, so that I have no rest. She insists that I pay attention to her all the time and so my hours are wasted. She cries about every little thing and leads an idle life. I have come to give her back to you, because I can't live with her." The Creator said: "All right." And he took her back.
After a week had passed, the man came back to the Creator and said: "Lord, my life is so empty since I gave that creature back to you. I always think of her—how she danced and sang, how she looked at me out of the corner of her eye, how she chatted with me and then snuggled close to me. She was so beautiful to look at, so soft to touch. I liked so much to hear her laugh. Please give her back to me. The Creator said: "All right." And he gave her back.
But three days later, the man came back again and said: "Lord, I don't know—I just can't explain it, but "I can't live with her and I can't live without her!" (Walter Trobisch, I Loved a Woman).
If you are married, does this sound familiar? Her beauty sets our hearts on fire one moment, and the next moment she drives us crazy with frustration. The masculine heart is designed for romance, but at times, it feels impossible to make our relationship with our wives work! Let’s look into Genesis 2—where Eve is created and given to Adam to find clues to making this exhilarating, frustrating relationship thrive.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed (Gen 2:18-25).
This creation story begins with the problem of Adam’s aloneness and ends with the perfect solution to that aloneness, the pleasure of being fully known yet still loved—being naked and unashamed. Mike Mason reminds us: To be naked with another is a sort of picture or symbolic demonstration of perfect honesty, perfect trust, perfect giving and commitment, and if the heart is not naked along with the body, then the whole action becomes a lie and a mockery. (Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage). Let’s make some observations about God’s design process in creating Eve for Adam and see how they can help us better fulfill God’s design for romance.
Five Observations For Having a Thriving Marriage
Observation 1: Adam is inadequate by himself; he NEEDS Eve to complete him. Verse 18 says, I will make a helper fit for him. The word, helper (ezer in Hebrew) means “one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking.” It has no connotation of inferiority, since God, himself, is caller our Ezer numerous times in Scripture. Fit for him means “matching him.” This expression is not the same as “like him.” A wife is not her husband’s clone but complements him.
Application: We should believe and say often to our wives, “I need you.” The recognition of this FACT will translate into respecting her ideas. Barbara Rosberg, a Christian counselor and wife writes:
Respect your wife’s opinion. When she is expressing her opinion, love her by listening. Validate what she says with comments such as:
- “That’s a good idea.”
- “You did a good job in a hard situation.”
- “Tell me more. I need to understand.”
- “I wish I could have thought of that.”
When your wife says things that you may disagree with, before trying to “straighten her out” or “fix her thinking” express your unconditional love by being willing to hear her out and ask questions. That kind of acceptance and understanding will allow her to process her thoughts, unload her anxiety, and respond positively to your response (The Five Love Needs of Men and Women).
Observation 2: (vs 19-20) The process of observing the animals and naming them seems designed to cause Adam to be in a position to APPRECIATE Eve. Adam would have noticed that each male animal had a female mate. As much as a dog is a man’s best friend, the process resulted in the recognition for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. The solution to Adam’s aloneness was not an animal as a pet, or another man as a buddy. It would be WOMAN. It is striking to me that God took Adam through this process. I think he knew that one of the biggest failures of husbands would be taking their wives for granted. Max Lucado shows how the “The Agent of Familiarity” can cool our passion to love our wives well. He writes
The Agent of Familiarity’s commission from the black throne room is clear, and fatal: “Take nothing from your victim; cause him only to take everything for granted.” He’s an expert at robbing the sparkle and replacing it with the drab. He invented the yawn and put the hum in the humdrum. And his strategy is deceptive. He’ll replace evening gowns with bathrobes, nights on the town with evenings in the recliner, and romance with routine. He’ll scatter the dust of yesterday over the wedding pictures in the hallway until they become a memory of another couple in another time. The poison of the ordinary has deadened your senses to the magic of the moment (God Came Near).
Application: Out of your HEART of APPRECIATION for her will come WORDS of APPRECIATION that assure her or her value. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all (Prov 31:29). Here are a few examples.
- “The way you manage stuff around here is awesome”
- “I know you feel like you are a mess, but you never look bad to me.”
- “I know you are discouraged about those extra pounds, but you are always beautiful to me.”
- “You look great in that outfit.”
- “You are all the woman I will ever need.”
Observation 3: (vs 21-23). The fact that every other creature, including Adam, was made from the dust of the ground but Eve was made from Adam’s rib is loaded with significance. No one has said it better than the Puritan commentator, Matthew Henry: Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him. The Apostle Paul picks up on this striking reality that Eve is made from Adam’s own body in his admonition to husbands: Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body (Eph 5:28-30).
Application: Men pay constant attention to their bodies. When my body aches, I groan. When my body is hungry, I eat. When my body is tired, I rest. When my body craves sexual release, I pursue my woman. When my body is wounded, I care for the wound. When my body is sleepy, I nod off. We are so united to our bodies, that we cannot ignore them for long. They get our continual attention. So, it should be with our wives—we are to pay constant attention to them because they are so much a part of us. When we take care of our bodies it is also to our own benefit. Surely, Paul’s statement that to love our wife is to love ourselves recognizes that our wife’s welfare has a direct impact on us. To pay constant attention to her and be attentive to her needs will lead to a more fulfilled wife and be of enormous benefit to husbands as well.
Observation 4: (vs 23) Adam is the one to name Eve, which indicates his headship in the marriage relationship. Eve is created FOR Adam not Adam FOR Eve. Paul picks up on these two truths in the NT to explain the role of men as leaders in the home and the church. This leadership design is the result of creation, not a result of the fall. The fall, however, makes it easy to relinquish this leadership responsibility for our homes because leading often results in conflict with our wives. We see this tension predicted in the curse upon Eve in Genesis 3:6. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you. There are textual reasons for understanding the word for “desire” to mean the “desire to control.” The ESV study notes explian:
The ongoing result of Adam and Eve’s original sin of rebellion against God is 1) Eve will have the sinful “desire” to oppose Adam and to assert leadership over him, reversing God’s plan for Adam’s leadership in the marriage. 2) Adam will abandon his God-given pre-fall role of leading, guarding, and caring for his wife, replacing this with his own sinful, distorted desire to “rule” over Eve.
Application: At times, the sinful nature of even a godly wife will cause her to resist or resent her husband’s authority. Our own selfishness can also sabotage our leadership. But we can’t surrender to the cowardly impulse to relinquish our responsibility as the head of our homes.
Observation 5: The fifth observation comes from vs 24-25, Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Marriage is given as the one safe arena where man and woman can be fully naked, body, soul, and spirit—laid bare and vulnerable to one another, but still be unconditionally loved instead of shamed. The goal of marriage is experiencing this intimacy, which happens through the joining of lives (i.e. our soul--mind, will, and emotions) and the joining of our bodies in sexual union.
Application: 1) The intimacy God intends for marriage happens through PURSUING CONVERSTAION which leads to ONENESS of SOULS. Barbara Rosberg writes,
The word, “intimacy” comes from a Latin word that means “innermost.” What this translates into for those of us in the marriage relationship is a vulnerable sharing of our inner thoughts, feelings, spirit, and true self. Both men and women need to feel secure in this sharing and confident of their spouse’s support. This support is achieved through listening, empathy, prayer, or reassurance (Ibid).
2) The intimacy God intends for marriage also happens through PURSUING LOVEMAKING which leads to ONENESS OF BODIES. Pastor's wife, Anne Ortland, says:
Lovemaking is the most practical, binding, and enriching experience of all married love. There is one person who knows you and wants to know you more, better than anyone but God. And that’s why God gave you sex, to interact at the deepest possible human levels. Your sex life as a married couple will make your self- esteem go up or down (Audio: Sex in a Growing Marriage).
The Biblical Design for LOVING INTIMACY in marriage means actively pursuing both oneness of soul and oneness of body. Biblically, the human body is not considered inferior to the soul. Both the soul and the body are redeemed. Joining BODIES in SEX without joining LIVES in MARRIAGE is condemned as wrong (1 Thes.4:3) But joining LIVES in MARRIAGE without joining BODIES in SEX is also condemned as wrong (1 Cor. 7:5). In celebrating communion, we physically partake of bread and wine which points to our heart feasting, spiritually, on Christ’s love. Similarly, sexual union is the physical celebration of the couple’s spiritual oneness of heart. By the way, if our wife’s heart is distant, NOT feeling emotionally one with us, why would she want to celebrate, sexually?
In my opinion, emotional intimacy with her husband is the biggest need of a wife’s heart. When she walked down the wedding aisle, her dream was to dance through life holding hands with her husband and best friend—with one who knows everything going on in her heart but loves her anyway—and throwing in a little romance in for good measure. Loving her well means generating conversations that help her safely share her heart with you and it means taking the risk of revealing your heart to her.
About now, I feel like I teach this stuff and I am failing at just about every one of these applications (except pursuing love-making—I like that part) These practical ideas for loving your woman based on God’s design of romance set the bar high. But that’s because Jesus set the bar impossibly high—we are to love our brides with the same level of unconditional, self-giving, sacrificial love he gives to us every day. Honestly, if you are like me, such a high standard can make us despair of even trying.
The answer to such despair, however, is not to lower the bar; it is saying to Jesus, “I can’t love my wife this way without your massive help.” Loving with Jesus’ kind of love only happens through his power. Asking for his help everyday to love her well is exactly where he wants you to be. “In your weakness,” says Jesus, “my power is shown the more completely.” Paul’s response was, Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Cor 12:8-9). That is great news to me BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF WEAKNESSES! May we all be filled with the power of Christ to love our wives well!
For Further Prayerful Thought:
1. What insight from this Genesis 2:18-25 stood out most to you? Why?
2. Which part of the design for romance explained in this text do you think is the most understood? Which seems the hardest to achieve?
