Men are created to lead their families and the family of God, the church. One biblical counselor said to me, “Gary, 90% of my counseling business would go away if men would stop being passive and be the leaders their wives and children need.” That is why from time to time Mission Focused Men addresses the issue of leadership. The principles shared in this article apply to overall leadership—in the workplace, civic organization, orchestra, or athletic team, as well as the home and church. No man wants to fail in his leadership, but here are some of the ways men do.
A. Use your authority selfishly. The fastest way to generate rebellion against your leadership is for your followers to feel like you are using them to benefit yourself or selfishly putting your preferences ahead of theirs, because you are in charge. Notice that this is the accusation that Satan made of God to get Eve to rebel against his authority. He insinuated that God had a selfish motive for commanding Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil (Gen 3:5). Making us doubt God’s goodness is Satan’s MO, to generate rebellion. When a leader exerts the privileges of his position or expects others to serve him, his self-centeredness demotivates his followers. Selfishness for dads can be subtle, like always going to the restaurant you like, keeping the TV controller in your hand so you can watch the shows you like. A few years ago, I realized that when I spent time playing with the kids, it was what I wanted to play—football, basketball, ping pong, tennis. But THEY liked video games, ultimate frisbee, street hockey and board games. (A few liked football as well!)
B. Avoid correcting other’s behavior that is hurting the organization. Leaders, including husbands, dads, elders, and youth workers, get paid the big bucks (i.e. hold their leadership position) to make the tough calls. Few people like confrontation; but a good leader confronts anyway, if it is necessary. He is so committed to the success of his team, including the success of the one needing to be confronted, that he steps up and speaks what might be hurtful, but is necessary for a person to see the truth he needs to face. Proverbs 27:6 tells us, Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Although over-correction is a sign of bad leadership (see the next point), no correction is worse. Scripture is clear that God corrects us because he loves us. In Hebrews 12, we are told, My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives (vs 5-6). If we still miss the point, God has given us Proverbs 13:24, Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Tough love is real love. It is not being so nice that you are passive and avoid confrontation about what needs to be fixed.
C. Wound the spirit of one under your authority by correcting him publicly or by attacking his character instead of privately correcting his behavior. Although there is a time for public rebuke (Paul publicly rebuked Peter and church leaders are at times to publicly rebuke an unrepentant elder), these instances are quite rare. The general principle taught in the specific steps of church discipline Jesus gave in Matt 18:15-17 is that whenever possible you confront misbehavior privately. Love covers a multitude of sins, rather than exposing them to the public. My picture for this verse is being in a rather undignified position for a medical procedure and the nurse covering my nakedness with the sheet. When another’s sin is exposed to the public, it covers him with shame. In contrast, Christians are to protect each other’s dignity by keeping private their rebuke of another believer, unless they have to go to the next step of discipline. Christians’ loyalty to one another requires us always to protect each other’s dignity by refusing to gossip, refusing to lay bare for others to see another’s shame in his or her sin. Paul commands us, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear (Eph 4:29).
D. Think of leadership primarily as authority/position rather than as winning the hearts of your followers, which happens by caring for them well. The world God has ordained for us only works with structures of authority and accountability. Accepting the responsibility to lead others is the way leaders serve Christ. When a leader hears the call to be more of a servant, it does not mean relinquishing his authority and creating a democracy. He serves others by making the hard leadership decisions, not avoiding them. But his motive is to help the organization and the members of the organization be successful. Though his position would not be called that of a servant, his heart attitude towards the team is that of a servant leader. Jesus taught this principle in Matt 25, when he said, You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (vs 20:25-27).
E. Avoid being vulnerable about your own failures and sins so that your followers see only your strengths. Someone has said that sharing your successes builds walls, but sharing your failures builds bridges. Bridges enable you to reach the heart of your followers. It is not that success is unimportant to leadership. Players want to follow a successful coach, children want to follow a father they admire, church members want to follow a church leader they respect. Being someone others want to follow should be a strong motivation for leaders. But the hearts of your followers will respond more to your humility than to your successes. And never forget that followers see their leader’s failures quite clearly. To have the humility to acknowledge what their followers already see wins greater followership by winning their hearts. Proverbs 29:23 teaches, A man’s pride will bring him low. But a humble spirit will obtain honor. If a parent wounds his child through words that are angry, attack his child’s character, or assault his self-esteem, that parent must take responsibility for that destructive treatment of his child. He must obey Jesus’ clear teaching from the Sermon on the Mount:
I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift (Matt 5:21-24).
The offending parent must ask his child’s forgiveness, or the child’s ability to follow the parent is severely damaged. The wound to the child’s spirit sows seeds, which can blossom into rebellion and bitterness. Proverbs 18:20 also links pride with downfall and humility with honor, Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. Leaders crave respect but may think logically to the wrong conclusion about how respect is earned. They reason that to be respected requires hiding their flaws and making sure their successes get plenty of time under the spotlight. Jesus pointed out, though, that this line of thinking is wrong. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (Matt 23:12). It is counterintuitive, but the humility of admitting my failures, and seeking forgiveness when I’ve wounded another is what wins the hearts of our followers, causing them to respect us.
In summary, good leaders avoid using their power or privileged position in selfish ways. They realize their leadership responsibility require correcting misbehavior, but are careful to give such correction privately (when possible), being careful to correct behavior and not attack character. They view their leadership, not primarily as holding a position of authority, but as having the opportunity to influence, i.e. win the hearts of followers. They win follower’s hearts by helping them be more successful, and acknowledging their own shortcomings.
For Further Thought
1. Which of these ways to fail as a leader stood out to you because you’ve seen that failure happen?
2. Which of these ways to fail as a leader is the biggest temptation for you?
