There is a principle of fatherhood that is so built into creation that two Biblical writers appeal to that creation principle to explain God’s behavior. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. Both Solomon, and later the author of the book of Hebrews appeal to the obvious creation principle that they assume everyone knew in their era, loving fathers don’t allow their children to persist in selfish, wrong behavior; they discipline their children out of love for them. In our own day, a weird time in history when cultural voices are denying what every other culture in history has affirmed—that there are differences between fathers and mothers—it seems necessary to examine this creation principle of fatherhood.
It is also important because, today, so much child-rearing advice is rooted in a fear of stifling a child or harming his self-esteem instead of recognizing that, by nature, a child wants to be the center of the universe—dad giving him what he wants when he wants it, and the rest of the world catering to his wants and demands. This episode examines how fathers must protect their children from the child’s worst enemy, the main person who can ruin his life—HIMSELF, because he comes into this world with a self-centered, sinful nature. It draws six biblical principles from Hebrews 12:5-11 for Christian fathers to follow in disciplining their kids. You may not yet be married, be a dad, or still have any kids at home. But I’m confident these principles will be enlightening to you as you coach, teach, grandparent, pass on parenting guidance, or consider how your heavenly father parents you. In this text, the writer is trying to explain to his readers the painful experiences they are called to endure.
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
As we continue the series, Loving Our Kids with the Fatherly Love of God, this text is loaded with parallels between the way God has designed FATHERS to discipline their CHILDREN and the way GOD OUR HEAVENLY FATHER disciplines US.
A. God has ordained the “common grace” principle that a father must protect his children from the destruction of their own self-centered, rebellious nature by firmly disciplining them. Proverbs 22:15 reminds us, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, Boundaries with Kids, describe this sinful nature in action. An accurate description of children is that they are little people who are out of control of themselves and attempting to control everyone around them. They do not want to take control of themselves to adapt to the requirements of Mom and Dad; they want Mom and Dad to change the requirements!
As noted in the introduction, this creation, common-grace principle that loving fathers discipline their kids is quoted by Solomon in Proverbs 3:11-12. It is repeated in Hebrews 12. Then the Hebrews author takes the principle a step further, asking rhetorically, what son is there whom his father does not discipline? In fact, this creation design that fathers discipline their children is so foundational that Hebrews continues, If you are left without discipline, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Not only does this creation principle apply to all human families, but in the community of faith, Paul reinforces it in Ephesians 6 when he explicitly charges fathers, not mothers, to raise up the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. To be sure, children are commanded to obey PARENTS not just DAD. We are to be joined at the hip with our wives who provide vital partnership in administering discipline. Nevertheless, in God’s creation design and in the new humanity, the church, the responsibility for disciplining the children is given primarily to fathers, not mothers. It is worth noting that in America, manuals for raising children were addressed to fathers until the mid-1800’s when the Industrial Revolution took men out of their homes and into factories, essentially taking them out of their children’s lives during the day. That is when parenting manuals stopped addressing fathers and started addressing mothers. As Christian men devoted to staying focused on our mission from the Lord, we need to recover this responsibility, think deeply about biblical principles of discipline, and seek our wife’s partnership in presenting a unified, coherent, plan for disciplining our kids.
B. Loving our children requires firmly disciplining them. Hebrews 12:6 The Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives. Parental love needs to be far more than a caring feeling inside towards our children. The word used here for love is AGAPE, which is sacrificial love devoted to doing whatever is best for the other. What is best for our child, quite often, is the opposite of what my warm feeling for her would guide me to do. My warm feelings don’t want conflict. My caring feelings don’t want my child to hurt. But, the reality is that painful consequences for wrong behavior consistently administered is the way God commands parents to raise their kids. Whom the Lord loves he disciplines. It is not loving to passively allow a child’s sinful nature to shape her into a self-centered monster who expects the world to revolve around her. Nearly all a child needs for success and happiness she must learn through a parent’s discipline. This is such a vital truth that God says, Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Prov 13:24).
Six Reasons Why Parents Fail To Firmly Discipline Their Children
1. Parental irresponsibility. God commands parents, Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death (Prov 19:18) A child’s job is to test your “boundaries,” i.e. your resolve so she can learn about reality. Your child’s sinful nature makes her hate rules and limits. The parent’s job is to withstand the testing of those limits, including the child’s anger, pouting, tantrums, etc. You are teaching her the fear of the Lord, which means that humans don’t break God’s moral laws so much as God’s laws break US.
2. Believing that loving their child means ACCEPTING his wrong behavior instead of CORRECTING it. The biblical view is the exact opposite: The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother (Prov 29:15).
3. Emotional neediness. Sometimes parents are more dependent than they realize upon their child’s affection and closeness which fills their won emotional tank. Unconsciously they are hesitant to create hostility in their child by being firm with discipline. Here is a Christian Psychologist’s explanation of this barrier to genuinely loving our kids—a story about Samantha raising a little monster
“Why can’t I spend the night with Madeline?” whined thirteen-year-old Beverly to her mother, Samantha.
Tentatively, Samantha said, “Honey, remember that you’ve already been out two nights this week, and it’s a school night. I’m sure you can see Madeline another time.”
“You just don’t want me to have friends! I never get to do anything I want never, never! “With this pronouncement Beverly stomped out of the kitchen and up to her room. Samantha then began the ancient dance she and her daughter had danced for many years. Samantha wanted and needed Beverly to be happy and close; their relationship was a central source of support for her. It was too painful to endure her daughter’s distance.
Standing outside the closed door to her bedroom, she said, “Maybe I’ve been a little harsh. You’ve had a tough week. I guess one more night won’t hurt you.” The door burst open, and Beverly embraced Samantha and exclaimed, “Mom, you’re the best.”
4. Over-identifying with the child. Those who are gifted at showing mercy are especially susceptible to this obstacle. They instinctively want to protect their child from pain. Their thoughts may harken back to painful experiences they had with their own parents when they felt misunderstood or were denied what they really wanted by their parents. They must understand that their child will be most helped in the long-run by the parent imposing painful consequences now—to learn the character lessons that will prevent more serious pain later. For example, a child who is punished for violating the rule that she is not to talk to strangers in public places when mom or dad is not around—may be spared the horror of being sexually abused in the future.
5. Ignoring and zapping. This approach to parenting is quite common. A dad on the playground, says to his son, “Stop playing on the monkey bars.” But his son knows that this command means nothing. His father will not act until he has told the boy four or five times to stay off the monkey bars. So, the son continues to ignore his father’s command. The father, who is busy talking, yells at him again, but the son knows that his dad is not steamed up enough to act. Finally, the father reaches his limit and explodes, “You’ve got me really angry with you now. Go get into that car.” The dad trained his son not to obey until he started to get angry. He also made the issue HIS anger instead of the son’s disobedience. Kids live up to what is demanded of them.
6. Wearing down. Kids work us and work us. A key to successful parenting is enduring your child’s hatred of your restrictions—your boundaries for them. Remember, their job is to test our boundaries and they are usually very good at their job! One wise parent said, “The trick of parenting is to hold onto your restriction one more time than your children hold onto their demand.”
Disciplining a child is tough. The only thing tougher is living with a child who is NOT firmly disciplined.
C. Discipline inflicts short-run pain for the long-term gain of your child. We see this principle in Heb 12:11 For the moment all discipline seems PAINFUL rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Parents and coaches must be willing to impose the short-run pain of today’s discipline for the long-run benefit the character that immerges tomorrow. When you paddle a child for not listening to you but running into the street, you administer safe limited pain so that next time he starts to run into the street, he will stop and not be hit by a car and be paralyzed for life. You administer safe, light, controlled pain now, so he avoids more severe pain later.
D. Firmly discipling our kids actually leads them to respect us more. The author to the Hebrews points this out, We have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them (vs 9). A 13-year-old penned the following letter to his dad.
Dear Dad,
I like the way you don’t let me get away with much. Sometimes I act mad when I don’t get my way, but deep down I am glad you are strict. I would be scared to death if you let me do anything I want. I like that you and Mom agree on the rules around here. At Tommy’s house, if his mom says he can’t do something, he goes and asks his dad because he knows his dad will say okay just to get rid of him. And then there is a fight. Kids hate it when their mom and dad fight. I like the way you tell me the truth about everything. When I grow up and have kids, I want to be just like you.
Your son, Jimmy
Admittedly, Jimmy was having a good day! Nevertheless, this verse from Hebrews 12 reveals an interesting truth about the respect that men are driven to want. Letting a child escape the punishment he deserves may avoid his hostility directed at you now, but in the long run he will disrespect you for not disciplining him.
E. Discipline puts our child on the path of LIFE: Hebrews 12:9-10 describes the benefits of discipline. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and LIVE? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us FOR OUR GOOD, that we may SHARE HIS HOLINESS. The word, holy, means whole, not broken, not fragmented, restored to the way God designed us to be and to live the way we were designed to live. Parenting is about more than the present; we are preparing our child for his future. A child’s destiny will be determined by his character. Whether she grows up to succeed in love and in life depends upon what she possesses inside. Cloud and Townsend observe, If a person’s character makeup determines his future, then childrearing is primarily about helping children to develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully. Parents—and those who work with children—would do well to keep this in mind. A major goal of raising children is to help them develop the character that will make their future go well (Ibid).
Setting standards and giving painful consequences when they are not obeyed are like training wheels that reinforce correct behavior in our children while they are gradually internalizing the larger reason for such behavior. Here are 3 foundational qualities we want our discipline to help them grow into.
- Being Loving. We want our children to grow up to be loving, but the foundation for being a loving person is realizing that the world dies not revolve around them. Loving people consider the consequences of their behavior on others before they act. Training our children using rewards and punishment can teach them not to interrupt others while they are speaking (which is rude), to come to dinner immediately when it is ready (treating the food preparer with respect), keeping toys put away and clothes hung up (which shows respect to the rest of the family). This kind of training (giving consequences for selfishness, and mistreatment of others) can then be internalized to real love.
- Being Self-controlled. Saying “no” to a toddler and smacking her hand if she touches something off limits trains her to master her impulses. My wife and I made plenty of mistakes as parents, but one thing we taught our toddlers was that when we yelled across the house to them or across the church lobby, saying “Come,” they were to come immediately. Very early they discovered there were painful consequences if they did not immediately come when we called them. After that it was easy. We received a lot of complements for how well behaved out kids were but honestly, we had 4 kids under 4 years old, so we could not mess around. However looking back, I think that kind of training taught them self-mastery, i.e. impulse control.
- Being Responsible. In many ways responsibility is the foundation of character—knowing what I am responsible for as opposed to blaming others or making excuses. It is also knowing what I am not responsible for—which is a key to overcoming worry and trusting God instead. To cite Boundaries with Kids, my favorite parenting book once more, Truly responsible people take ownership for the following things: feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, values, loves. To take ownership for these is to be a truly responsible person, the kind of person with whom everyone wants to have a relationship. A responsible person says, “My feelings are my problem, or “My attitude is my problem.”
F. God does NOT simply tell us that his painful discipline will build spiritual fruitfulness LATER; God expresses EMPATHY WITH OUR SUFFERING RIGHT NOW. Hebrews 12:11 says, For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant. but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. God, in his Word tells us that he understands that the discipline process is painful and not pleasant. That is empathy. Always accompany discipline with empathy for the pain it causes your child, but don’t rescue your child from the consequences of his misbehavior. Empathize with them about how hard it is to do the right thing, and then still require it. “I know it is lousy to have to clean up your room before you go out to play—I don’t always love having to keep my office clean either.” “I know it hurts to not be able to go out to the movies with your friends this weekend because last weekend you did not get back by the curfew. Missing out on being with your friends is painful. But that punishment is not changing.” “Losing your phone privileges for a week must suck. I hate missing out on what is happening in my friends’ lives.” “I know it is easy to get angry and be disrespectful towards others. I had to apologize to my boss for my disrespectful attitude towards her last week. But you still need to miss your video game time this evening and think about how it feels to be attacked by angry words.”
In short, as we model our discipline of our children after God’s discipline of us we must also exhibit another attribute of God—his fatherly compassion. Psalm 103 describes the heart of God. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Compassion does not mean canceling consequences for wrong behavior; but it is feeling the pain that our children feel as they have to learn some of the same hard lessons that we ourselves have had to learn.
For Further Prayerful Thought
- How would you answer a husband who said, “My wife is so much better with the kids, I leave the discipline of the children to her?”
- How would you explain to someone that loving a child requires disciplining them but that letting them go their own ways is a form of hatred for them?
- Which of the 6 reasons parents don’t discipline their kids as well as they should stands out to you?
- Which of the 6 principles from Hebrews 12 for administering discipline that is like God’s discipline of us stood out most to you? Why do you think that is important?
