As I’ve mentioned often on this blog, it is for our wives and children that Christian men are to pour out sacrificial love. We are called to die for them. But this episode is about the masculine longing for someone to die with. As Stu Weber points out, “something inside us longs for someone to die with… someone to die beside…someone to lock step with. Another man with a heart like our own.” David had such a brother. Today, we examine what we can discover about building our own brotherhood bonds from the famous example of David and Jonathan.
The book of 2 Samuel opens with the death of Saul and his son Jonathan in battle. David laments:
Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely! In life and in death they were not divided; they were swifter than eagles; they were stronger than lions. You daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you luxuriously in scarlet, who put ornaments of gold on your apparel. How the mighty have fallen in the midst of the battle! Jonathan lies slain on your high places. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women. How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished (vs 23-27)!
Army Ranger Veteran, Stu Weber, ponders the moving words of this lament.
“YOUR LOVE TO ME was more wonderful than the love of a woman.” What words are these? Perverted words? Twisted words? The words of some pathetic sexual deviate? No. A war-hardened veteran penned these words after his best buddy fell in battle. They were written by a warrior, with the piercing grief only a soldier mourning for a comrade-in-arms could begin to understand. David wrote these words after the death of his friend Jonathan on the bloody slopes of Mount Gilboa. What the son of Jesse expressed without shame in that lament was something that has burned deep in the soul of every man in one way or another for generations beyond memory. A desire for friendship, man to man. A desire for friendship with nothing between. A yearning for friendship so real, so strong, so compelling, it is willing to share everything about itself and make deep and powerful promises. Down deep at the core, every man needs a friend. Down deep at the core, every man needs a brother to lock arms with” (Locking Arms).
As many of you know, I have written an entire book, Forging Bonds of Brotherhood, to make the case that God never intended for a man to fight his spiritual battles alone. The OT wisdom literature is clear: Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken (Eccl 4:9-12). The way the NT brotherhood functioned was equally clear: Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near (Heb 10:24-25). God has been pleased to use our ministry to help thousands of men build the kind of brotherhood experienced by Jonathan and David. Let’s observe four characteristics of this attractive brotherhood connection:
A. Their Souls Were Knit Together. In 1 Samuel 18:1, after Jonathan witnessed David’s victory over Goliath, Scripture tells us that his soul was “knit together” with David’s. A look back at the fourteenth chapter explains why.
Jonathan said to the young man who carried his armor, “Come, let us go over to the garrison of these uncircumcised. It may be that the Lord will work for us, for nothing can hinder the Lord from saving by many or by few….And the men of the garrison hailed Jonathan and his armor-bearer and said, “Come up to us, and we will show you a thing.” And Jonathan said to his armor-bearer, “Come up after me, for the Lord has given them into the hand of Israel.” Then Jonathan climbed up on his hands and feet, and his armor-bearer after him. And they fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer killed them after him. And that first strike, which Jonathan and his armor-bearer made, killed about twenty men. And there was a panic in the camp, in the field, and among all the people. The garrison and even the raiders trembled, the earth quaked, and it became a very great panic.
Notice the similarities between this story of Jonathan’s victory and David’s defeat of Goliath. Like David, Jonathan could not stand the passivity of the Israelite army. Like David, he understood that the battle was the LORD’s, saying to his armor-bearer, “Come, let's go over to the outposts of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the LORD will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few.” Like David, he courageously faced an overwhelming Philistine force. Like David, he prevailed against enormous odds, killing some twenty men with the help of just his armor-bearer. Like David, his victory caused the entire Philistine army to be routed.
In short, Jonathan and David were kindred spirits, warriors who were jealous for God’s honor, willing to take the battle to his enemies, depending upon his power for victory. They are an inspiring pair of comrades-in-arms, whose earthly battles are an Old Testament picture of the invisible, spiritual battles Christian men fight.
B. Jonathan Loved David as Himself. In Romans 12:10, Paul commands Christians, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” There is no clearer Biblical picture of such love than Prince Jonathan’s love for a shepherd boy named David. In 1 Samuel 18:1 we read that Jonathan loved David as himself. To love someone “as yourself” means to be as committed to meeting his needs as you are to your own. Practically speaking, that means when your brother has a need, you drop what you are doing and go.
Jim and Bill were best friends who enlisted together in World War I. During the long, muddy days of trench warfare, the battle became a stalemate. Every so often, the men would be ordered over the top to move up to the next trench; but in this new era of the machine gun, row upon row would be mowed down. On one particular occasion, Jim and Bill were ordered over the top to advance to the next trench. Enemy fire broke out and Jim fell mortally wounded. Bill worked his way back in retreat to the previous trench with his commanding officer. He could hear Jim out on the battlefield crying, and wanted to go rescue him. But his commanding officer said, “No, don’t risk your life. Didn’t you see where he was hit? He’s a gonner.” But when the C.O. turned away, Bill went out of the trench into the fire to be with his friend, Jim. A little bit later, he returned alone to the trench in a hail of bullets.
The C.O. snapped, “Why did you do that? I told you he wasn’t going to make it. He’s dead, isn’t he?”
Bill said, “Yeah, he is.”
The C.O. replied, “That was the stupidest thing you could have ever done.”
Bill mumbled, “But he was alive when I got there.”
“He was—well what did he say to you?”
Bill answered, “He said, ‘I knew you’d come…I knew you’d come.’”
Back in the text, Jonathan’s love for David went even beyond loving him as himself. Verse four of 1 Samuel 18:4 reads, “Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” What a picture of fulfilling Paul’s later admonition, “In humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Jonathan was royalty; David was a peasant and as a shepherd, one of the lowliest at that. Furthermore, there was every reason for Prince Jonathan to see David as a rival and threat, just as his father, Saul, did. After all, Jonathan was not only the crown prince, but a great warrior like David in his own right.
But Jonathan overcame masculine rivalry, stripped himself of the royal robe he wore to put it on David, also giving David his royal sword and bow. The gift of his sword was especially striking, since the Philistines had removed nearly all the swords from Israel so that they could not be used in a revolt. Jonathan was willing to step aside and make way for his friend. Several chapters later, he even says to David, “You will be king over Israel, and I will be next to you” (I Sam. 23:17). Such a radical commitment to honoring the other is behind our ministry’s recommendation that brotherhood meetings over lunch begin with the question, “What encouragements or successes have you had this week?” Celebrating each other’s wins is a strategic way to keep men’s natural competitiveness from hindering brotherly love.
C. Jonathan Formed a Covenant with David. One night, while sleeping-out in the treehouse we had just finished building, my best friend and I took out our pocketknives, slit our fingers, and mingled the blood. We became intentionally committed to each other as blood brothers. Little is known about the nature of Jonathan’s covenant with David, except that David honored it by always welcoming Jonathan’s descendants to his table, when he became king. The one thing we do know, however, is that, as in my friendship with my best friend, Jonathan and David wanted to be intentional about their commitments to each other as friends. This same intentionality, in his commitment to form a closer bond with a few other men, was exhibited by Jesus, who intentionally singled out Peter, James, and John with whom to go deeper than he did with the rest of the disciples. Our ministry has been challenging men to follow the example of Jesus in forming brotherhood connections with a few other brothers.
The covenant with a blood brother or marriage partner, however, does more than single out others for a special, deeper relationship. A covenantal relationship has structure, promises and obligations, an example of which we hear in the vows that make a marriage covenant. A covenant is both organic (i.e. subjective—I choose you) and organizational, (i.e. structured.) With brotherhood connections, this principle means being intentional to go deeper with some men but also implementing the structure of regular meetings for breakfast, lunch, or a zoom call. Even those meetings have both an organic part--small talk to begin and adjustment of the agenda based on a brothers pressing need--and a default of structured questions that get men beneath the superficial into sharing their spiritual battles.
D. Jonathan Had David’s Back. When Saul told Jonathan of his intent to kill David, Jonathan went to David and warned him, “My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. I will go out and stand with my father in the field where you are. I’ll speak to him about you and will tell you what I find out.” (I Sam. 19:2-3) Later, he fervently interceded with his father, arguing vehemently on David’s behalf.
Jonathan, like any good soldier, understood the importance of watching his brother’s back. He saw David’s susceptibility to being attacked by his father and acted. In the military, “I’ve got your six” is all about protecting your brother’s back, which is his point of greatest vulnerability. But in spiritual warfare no one can see the attacker stalking a brother. The only way we can have his back is for the brother to have exposed those points of weakness to us, asked for our help in those battles and leaned on us for strength by asking us to hold him accountable.
Years ago, a pastor came to me who was a retired Marine Corps helicopter pilot. He said, “I inherited a church with strong couples’ small groups. But I know men. They do not open up in front of another guy’s wife. In fact, they don’t even open up in front of their own wives. I’ve got a bunch of guys working at the Pentagon. Could you write some questions for them to use over lunch that would get them connected below the surface. I returned with a series of six questions that we call Check 6. Printed on a wallet card, thousands of men have been using them.
- Check #1: What encouragements or successes have you had this past week?
- Check #2: What Biblical insight or verse from your quiet time has stood out to you recently?
- Check #3: What has been the most difficult part of being the spiritual leader at home lately?
- Check #4: Personal Accountability: Choose what you want your brother(s) to ask you about next time?
- Check #5: Who are the non-believers you are building relationships with and how can I pray for your strategy to share Christ with them?
- Check #6: What other spiritual battles can I help you fight through my prayer for you?
Tom Joyce, the men’s pastor at Immanuel Bible church expects every one of his men to meet with at least one other man for prayer, encouragement and accountability. Tom saw the power of accountability—even among unbelievers—while serving as a squadron commander in the US Navy, shortly after the Navy Tailhook scandal took place. This scandal refers to a series of incidents in which U.S. Navy and U. S. Marine Corps aviation officers were alleged to have sexually assaulted numerous female coworkers. Against that backdrop, Tom writes:
The predominant number of guys who got involved in the Tailhook scandal were from the West Coast F14 community. So, I was hand-selected to go to this squadron since the commanding officer and executive officer had both been relieved of their duties because of their involvement in things surrounding Tailhook. As soon as I had the opportunity, because we were going into our first port visit, I got all my guys together—thirty-six officers—in the Ready Room. I said, “I know what the background of this squadron has been. You’ve lost a CO and XO because of that. But things have changed. Here’s what I’m going to do. We’re heading into a port visit tomorrow, and if it comes to my attention that any one of you men has done anything immoral behind your wife, or girlfriend’s back, I’m going to send you home. I don’t care where we are on the deployment, I’m going to send you home and one, you will pay your own way home, and two, you can knock on the door and explain to your wife or girlfriends why you came home.” You could have heard a pin drop in that room. The meeting ended. A young lieutenant came up to me and asked, “Permission to speak frankly, Sir?”
I said, “Sure.”
He said, “You’re an idiot!” I wasn’t expecting that much frankness! He continued, “You can’t dictate your morals on us. You can’t tell us what we can and can’t do on our own free time in port.”
I told him, “Number one: adultery is a violation of the Uniform Military Code of Justice. It’s against the law. Number two: go ahead and push me. You’ll be the first to go.” For the next few weeks, it was difficult. But we got into a combat zone and operations spiked up. Everything got back to normal—just as a fighter squadron should be—a really, really, close-knit group of guys.
We came home six months later, on December 23rd. I led a ten-plane formation over the flight-line of Miramar Naval Air Station with thousands of family members and friends waiting for us to come in. As the CO, I landed first. So, as each pilot took his flight gear off, I went up, shook his hand, and said, “On behalf of a grateful nation, I welcome you back to the United States. Thanks so much for your great work and encouragement to me following my leadership. Now go see your family and Merry Christmas.” But before they walked away every one of these guys—they didn’t want to say it publicly—but nearly every one of these men would shake my hand, grab me close, and say, “Thanks for holding me accountable. Thanks for helping me do the right thing.” Not all of Tom’s flyers believed it at first. But as his officers had headed into port for some R & R, he still had their back. And when they got home to their girlfriends and families, they were glad he did.
In today’s world, every Christian man needs a band of brothers who will help him fight his spiritual battles and have his back. Jonathan was that kind of brother to David. Some have speculated that if Jonathan had not died in battle, David’s affair with Bathsheba would have never happened. Jonathan would have had his friend’s back. He would have been in David’s face about taking more than one wife in the first place and later about staying back at the palace while his troops were out in the field. With Jonathan’s kindred zeal for God’s glory, it is likely that their friendship would have strengthened David, making him less vulnerable to his lust. We’ll never know. But we do know that Jonathan had David’s back. As warriors battling Satan, the world's anti-biblical worldviews, and our sinful nature, we need someone watching our six, just as David did.
What an attractive picture--having a brother with whom you share a deep bond, your souls knit together by a common loyalty to the High King of Heaven, a common passion for his honor, and a common willingness to fight for his cause. I believe that kind of brotherhood is what Jesus modeled with the inner three. Do you have that kind of brotherhood connection?
If you would like help knowing how to better build a brotherhood connection with one or two brothers, you will find great help in my book, Got Your Back, which is available in paperback, Kindle, and Audible versions on Amazon. Also, the Check 6 wallet cards are available in our online bookstore.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
- What stood out to you the most about Jonathan and David’s friendship?
- What do you think of Stu Weber’s statement, “something inside us longs for someone to die with…someone to die beside…someone to lock step with. Another man with a heart like our own?” Have you ever had a friend like that?
- What steps do you need to take to build or to maintain the kind of brotherhood connection David and Jonathan had and Jesus modeled?
- What can you do to help the other men in the church get out of isolation and into brotherhood connections in the Body of Christ?
