Building Your Wife’s Self-Esteem

Thirty-five years ago, a psychologist from USC’s School of Medicine, named James Dobson, was concerned about husbands not understanding their wife’s emotional needs. His research led him to write a book entitled, What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Asked to single out just one—a wife’s highest need, he wrote, “If I could write a prescription for the women of the world, I would provide each of them with a healthy dose of self-esteem and personal worth (taken three times a day until the symptoms disappear). I have no doubt this is their greatest need.” If you google, Depression Among Women, more current research suggests that this low self-esteem in wives has changed little since then. Scripture teaches that husbands have a major role in building their wife’s inner sense of self-worth and are even to devote themselves to cultivating their wife’s inner beauty. This episode explains this dual responsibility of husbands.

In this episode, as we have seen in this series on the needs of a wife’s heart, the precision of Scripture’s wisdom about a wife’s needs is awesome. Research shows that women universally struggle with low self-esteem. And it just so happens that husbands are assigned two specific responsibilities related to her beauty and self-esteem. First husbands are to devote themselves to CULTIVATING the inner beauty of their wives. Second, husbands are to devote themselves to PRAISING the inner beauty of their wives. Let’s look at these biblical commands.

A. DEVOTE YOURSELF TO CULTIVATING YOUR WIFE’S INNER BEAUTY

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish (Eph. 5:25-27).

In order to understand this command to husbands we need to realize that OUR LORD’S SACRIFICE of himself on the cross had a purpose—to make US holy, without blemish, genuinely beautiful in the eyes of our holy God. Similarly, WE are to seek to help OUR WIVES grow more inwardly beautiful in the eyes of God—to become spiritually mature, more holy, more sanctified. This parallel does not apply to HOW our brides are sanctified. Jesus is the only sanctifier of our wives—not us. Jesus cleanses wives from their sins—not their husbands. But the parallel Paul is pointing to is THE GOAL, the END POINT. We are to be radically committed to our wives’ growth into spiritual beauty, i.e. holiness. As Peter tells wives, the only beauty that will last forever is the inner beauty of godly character.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.  For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves (1 Pet. 3:3-5a).

Every effort we make to help our wives overcome sin and become like Christ—i.e. grow in holiness—is an investment in her eternal beauty. What a staggering thought!  By doing all we can to help our wives flourish spiritually—grow in the true beauty of holiness—we are investing in her ETERNAL beauty!! Back in Ephesians 5:22f, the command to love our wives as Jesus did is therefore the command to husbands to be intentional about helping our wives grow in their holiness. The word, holy, means set apart by moral purity. God is holy—set apart from us, separated from us as sinners because he is morally perfect in all his attributes. So, holiness, as something Christians are to pursue, is a general word for specific godly heart attitudes. Below is the specific list of feminine character qualities that God has identified as characteristics of feminine beauty in his sight. This list is for specific ways for us to pray for our wives—NOT a list we need to talk to them about (unless she might happen to initiate a discussion about her life goals)! Several character traits are repeated, but I haven’t done so in this list.

1. From 1 Peter 3:1-6:

• Be subject to husbands: being at peace when she makes her case to her husband and he disagrees, knowing God holds HIM ultimately responsible for leading his family, not her.
• Respectful: literally this is fear, often translated reverence. It means trusting God to work through her husband when they can’t agree.
• Pure: the word for chaste. Focusing all her romantic/sexual desires on her husband.
• Meek Spirit:  Meekness is surrender to the Lord as a spirited stallion surrenders to the touch of the rider’s reins.
• Quiet Spirit: A woman who is a rest inside. It is the opposite of restlessness. She trusts God to work out the details of her life that she can’t control.
• Does good:  The “good” is what is morally right and therefore benefits others.
• Does not fear: Estrogen matters. Feelings are more real to women than to us. So negative ones, like fear, can be overpowering.

2. Ephesians 5:22-33:

• Submits to her husband in everything: Submission never means squelching your own thoughts about a leader’s ideas or plans. Loyalty means, “I must help my husband see what I see.” I think in everything is said by Paul  because he knew that those under authority anywhere (as church members, citizens, employees, students, etc.) easily rationalize, saying—"But I really think the boss is wrong.” However, unless told to violate Scripture—the commands in Scripture to submit to the authority are there for times when we think the leader is WRONG, not when we agree with the decision.
• Holy without blemish:  Lasting beauty is holiness. I believe that part of the joy and reward of eternity is celebrating the degree to which we have grown into Christ-like character while on earth. And those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky above; and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever (Dan 12:3).
• Respects her husband. To respect means to consider worthy of high regard.

3. Titus 2:3-5:

• Not a slanderer:  Not repeating gossip or saying what is harmful of another’s reputation.
• Not slaves to much wine:
• Train younger women to be husband-lovers: Loving a man takes training!
• Train younger women to be children-lovers: Loving children is not about enjoying them but shaping their character. Whom the Lord loves he disciplines (Heb 12:6).
• Be workers at home:  Proverbs 31 gives an in depth look at these marvelous virtues.
• Kind:  Kindness is fixing your eyes on the needs of others with a sympathetic concern for their welfare.

These God-identified, especially attractive, feminine virtues are produced, like all other Christ-like character, only through our wife’s abiding relationship to Christ the Vine. So, what can we due to help that connection stay strong and fruitful?

1. Help her stand under the shower of gospel grace every day. The gospel is that we are far more flawed and sinful than we will every be able to see, but at the same time, more loved and valued than we ever dared to hope—by our Lord.
2. Keep building your connection to Christ the Vine so you can love her with unconditional covenant love—a covenantal commitment you gave your word to God that you would keep. As we saw last week this is the opposite of letting your marriage to her descend into a consumer relationship—measuring what I am getting out of it against what I am putting into it.
3. Do what you can to make it possible for her to stay spiritually refreshed through her own time with God, as well as getting a break from home and work responsibilities.
4. Be sure she is connected to other women for fellowship.
5. Pray specifically for God’s Spirit to work into her a few of the feminine virtues identified above. Praying for God’s Spirit to produce virtues specifically mentioned in Scripture brings the promise of answered prayer. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples (Jn 15:7-8).

So, the first of the two specific responsibilities assigned to husbands concerning inner beauty and self-esteem is to devote yourself to cultivating her inner beauty.

B. DEVOTE YOURSELF TO PRAISING YOUR WIFE’S INNER BEAUTY

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates (Prov 31:28-31).

Notice the imperative God gives: SHE IS TO BE PRAISED! Husbands and children are to GIVE HER what in God’s eyes is the fruit of her hard work—verbal affirmation—“let her works praise her.” Here we are hit in the face with a fundamental characteristic of a wife—she needs words of affirmation from us. To deny her the fruit of her hard work—praise—is simply wrong. In Dr. Dobson’s study of depression among women mentioned earlier, more than fifty percent listed low self-esteem as the top cause of depression in their lives, leading him to write,  This finding is perfectly consistent with my own observations and expectations; even in seemingly healthy and happily married young women, personal inferiority and self-doubt cut the deepest and leave the most wicked scars. This same old nemesis is usually revealed within the first five minutes of a counseling session; feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, certainty of worthlessness have become a way of life, or too often a way of despair for millions of American women. No wonder God follows the portrait of godly womanhood with the exhortation “Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” Her servant’s heart desperately craves appreciation for the innumerable ways she serves.

Here are four reasons why husbands must meet this need for verbal affirmation in our wives:

1. You are the one who knows her the best—body, soul, and spirit. So, your praise carries enormous weight. You are called to meet her human need to feel valuable in a way that no other person can.
2. Life beats all of us down, including your wife.  We all fail.  We all feel inadequate at times.  We all make mistakes.  Since you are a part of her everyday life, you see these blows to her self-image and are in a position to continually put the soothing salve of tender, unconditional love on the wounds to her self-esteem that are so painful to her. You are called to love her with Christ’s heart of compassion.
3. Your wife lives in a world that exalts youthful beauty and sexual attractiveness.  She knows that age is stealing her beauty. So, many wives fear becoming less attractive to their husbands, especially the most attractive ones. In contrast to fading physical beauty, the beauty of the inner character, for which you are praising her will never fade.
4. She was created to complete YOU. Her God-designed identity is being YOUR suitable helper. She wants to look nice, smell nice, create a beautiful home FOR YOU.  Because she was created to complete YOU, she needs to know that YOU value her many feminine virtues. If her role is to help you, your assurance that she is the perfect mate for you meets a profound need in her heart. Your words of appreciation may be the only paycheck she receives. How do you feel when you work for a boss who never expresses appreciation for your work?

It is stunning to realize that at the time the book of Proverbs was written, when every other ancient culture despised and demeaned women, this book of the Bible ends with a glorious picture of WOMANHOOD. It is written in the form of an acrostic, enabling the girls of Israel to commit it to memory. Since we are so familiar with this text, I want to print it in the simple, Living Bible version in the hopes of seeing it in a fresh way. 

If you can find a truly good wife, she is worth more than precious gems! Her husband can trust her, and she will richly satisfy his needs. She will not hinder him but help him all her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She buys imported foods brought by ship from distant ports. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plans the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field and buys it; with her own hands she plants a vineyard. She is energetic, a hard worker, and watches for bargains. She works far into the night!

She sews for the poor and generously helps those in need. She has no fear of winter for her household, for she has made warm clothes for all of them. She also upholsters with finest tapestry; her own clothing is beautifully made—a purple gown of pure linen. Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council chamber with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments to sell to the merchants. She is a woman of strength and dignity and has no fear of old age. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule for everything she says.  She watches carefully all that goes on throughout her household and is never lazy. Her children stand and bless her; so does her husband. He praises her with these words: “There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all!” Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised.

Nearly every day, doubts about your wife’s self-worth attack the most tender, vulnerable part of her soul—her image of herself.  Many wives default to feeling inadequate, to dwelling on their imperfections, to doubting their worth, to a quiet depression because of feelings of inferiority. These oppressive thoughts invading her heart do great harm to her soul, IF THEY ARE NOT COUNTERED by her husband’s continual praise. Whether you are good at encouragement or not, she needs this protection! When you see a woman who glows with feminine charm, beauty, grace, confidence, and love for others, you see a joyful woman who is probably receiving lots of praise from her husband!

God’s command to husbands to look for these virtues in their wives and when they see them give her praise for them doesn’t really take explanation; it takes obedience. One author sums up this command, in the words, TELL HER SO. He writes

Amid the cares of married strife— In spite of toil and business life, if you value your dear wife — Tell her so!
When days are dark and deeply blue— She has her troubles, same as you. Show her that your love is true — Tell her so!
Don't act as if she's past her prime— As tho' to please her were a crime. If ever you loved her, now's the time — Tell her so!
She'll return for each caress — A hundred-fold of tenderness. Hearts like hers were made to bless; — Tell her so!
You are hers and hers alone — Well you know she's all your own. Don't wait to carve it on a stone —Tell her so!
Never let her heart grow cold— Richer beauties will unfold. She is worth her weight in gold. — Tell her so! (Anonymous)

This episode completes our series, Understanding and Meeting the Needs of a Wife’s Heart. Before moving on to our new series, Our Mission to Be Like Our Master, for the month of March, I want to address those of you who might be feeling overwhelmed by all that we’ve shared this month about loving your wife well. I feel overwhelmed too—and I teach this stuff! But perhaps our Lord wants us to feel overwhelmed to drive us to him for help. Christ’s assignment to love our wives as he loves his bride isn’t accomplished by resolving to do a little bit better job of controlling our temper or remembering once in a while to thank our wife for all she does. Men's ministry is more than a pancake breakfast and devotional or a theological discussion over a beer at a pub. Our Lord’s assignment as husbands sets a much, much higher bar. Our mission as Christ followers—becoming like him and devoting ourselves to accomplishing his agenda in every sphere of our lives—as husbands, parents, siblings, church members, neighbors, employees, employers, citizens, stewards of resources, and ambassadors of the kingdom is a high bar indeed. It is the greatest mission in the history of the world. How fully you accomplish your mission matters eternally. That is why this blog is mission focused.

But don’t feel overwhelmed by failure if you are as poor a husband as I am. Believe me it is easier to teach these principles than to live them. None of us can meet the needs of a wife’s heart without massive help from Christ’s Spirit at work within us. And even with much of the Holy Spirit’s help, at times we fail because we don’t want the Holy Spirit’s help. But let us not lower the bar but keep the bar high for Christ’s honor! And when you fail, as I do, get up quickly, bask in Christ’s grace, and get back into the battle. And remember, the spiritual leadership your wife needs is not perfection; it is direction—getting back up and going hard again after Christ.

For Further Prayerful Thought:

1. If you were asked to explain to another husband why it is his job to cultivate the inner spiritual beauty of his wife’s character, what would you say?
2. What stood out to you about the specific feminine virtues that Scripture tells us are beautiful in the eyes of God?
3. When you see godly character exhibited by your wife, what are the strongest reasons for telling her so?