All Christian men fight inner battles with their sinful nature. Lust, anger, selfishness, resentment, impatience, discontent, idolatry are just some of the forces that seek to overpower us as men. Many times we lose these battles for a simple reason—we are trying to fight them alone. But how do you find a few close friends to help you in your spiritual battles? You may not be able to find them; you may need to forge them. This episode shows how.
Marine Veteran, William Broyles, in his book entitled, Brothers in Arms writes: A part of me loved war. Now please understand I am a peaceful man, fond of children and animals. And I believe that war should have no place in the affairs of men. But THE CAMARADERIE our platoon experienced in that war provides an enduring and moving memory in me. A comrade in war is someone you can trust with anything, because you regularly trust him with your life. In war, individual possessions and advantage count for nothing. The group, the platoon, the unit is everything… “A part of me loved war.” You get the unmistakable impression that Broyles has never experienced that kind of tight friendship since then. Yet he longs for it.
We often hear athletes say, “There was something special about that championship team. We had great chemistry starting in training camp.” There is something that satisfies the masculine soul in the common bond—the camaraderie—formed by sweating, striving, spending ourselves together to defeat a common foe. Men’s leader Stu Weber sees that same longing for camaraderie among Christian men who so often are fighting their spiritual battles alone:
How can a man learn to be a man, a husband, a father, a provider and protector—a full-orbed king, warrior, mentor, and friend? By walking with other men who are doing it. You learn to play ball by playing ball. And masculinity is a team sport. You and I, as men living in a tragically disoriented culture, need to experience the life-building of what Paul called a “brother, fellow-worker, and fellow-soldier.” It is time we heed the call of the High King to His High Communion. It is time God’s men come to his table in the round and, in the company of men, drink deeply of a fresh understanding of his kingdom and just what it takes to enjoy a man’s role in it. (Locking Arms)
This hunger for male connection as brothers was modeled by Jesus, himself. In his own life he shows that he believed masculinity is a team sport. Let’s look at how.
1. In creating a band of brothers to help him accomplish his mission. In the blog we often remember from Genesis 2:15 that men are created to have impact and to be warrior/protectors. Jesus models this masculine calling by impacting his surroundings and fighting to advance the Kingdom of God. But he does it with and through the band of brothers he forged to be with him. His example and teaching tell us that Lone Ranger Christianity is not Christianity at all; it is an aberration. Our Lord’s call to follow him has also always been a call to be connected to others in the body of Christ. The greenhouse which Jesus chose for growing his disciples was the context of male friendship. He called twelve disciples to “be with him,” which also meant being with each other. The twelve learned together, served together, lived together, at times failed together, and eventually faced growing hostility together. Jesus’ discipleship approach was NOT meeting with Peter one-on-one Monday morning for breakfast, setting aside Monday lunch for Andrew, meeting John for breakfast on Tuesdays. His discipleship approach was to form a band of brothers who were with him.
If Jesus’ relationship with his disciples teaches us anything it shows that being a disciple of Jesus Christ includes BOTH a vertical commitment to surrender to Jesus Christ AND a horizontal commitment to connection with other brothers. This truth is irrefutable; yet many men think they can succeed at being Christ’s disciples when functionally they are not a part of a band of brothers! The result is ofen that their outward commitment to Christ looks great, while inwardly they are often losing battles with temptation, allowing their hearts to be captured by the world’s enticements, struggling in their marriages, sharing their faith with no one, and failing to shape the next generation to be fully devoted followers of Christ. That truth sounds a bit harsh, but the reality is tha we can't be faithful disciples apart from the grace God gives us through connection in the Body.
2. Jesus further underscores the value of male connection in the way he sent his disciples out to minister without him. Mark records, Calling the twelve to him, he sent them out two by two and gave them authority over evil spirits. These were his instructions: “Take nothing for the journey except a staff--no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic.”(Mark 6:7-8) You DON’T need a cooler full of food, a duffel bag with your personal items, extra money, or even an extra change of clothes. But there is one thing you DO need. YOU DO NEED A BROTHER. In Luke 10 Jesus sends out the seventy, and once again it is two by two. After this the Lord appointed seventy others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. One reason Jesus sent them out in pairs is seen in verses 17-19 where he makes it clear that their ministry was spiritual warfare.
3. Jesus further showed the importance of male connection for men by modeling friendship at every level. In fact, his life shows a continuum of three levels of depth in human friendships. This continuum matters. Here’s why. No man would say he doesn’t have friends. We all have enough friends to be the pall bearers at our funerals. Yet, most would have to admit that they have no brother they could talk to if they found out their daughter was pregnant, or their wife had threatened to leave them. And frankly, they have no brother who knows what their true spiritual battles are. In other words, few men have thought carefully about the differences between acquaintances, friends, and brothers in arms. Their failure to recognize these differences leaves many men with lots of friends, yet alone in their spiritual battles and not realizing why. So, let’s identify these levels in Jesus’ life, consider how friends move to a deeper level and take away some truths to help us deepen whatever soul-strengthening male friendships we have.
Level 1: Acquaintance. The process of letting a friend get to know us can be compared to stripping away the layers of an onion. With acquaintances we peel off a few outer layers. We let others know our name, and reveal a little bit of surface information about the number of kids we have, where we work, our hobbies, sports we love, etc. Conversation is, by definition, superficial in nature. Retruning to the metaphor of the onion, we don’t dig our fingers into our soul too deeply and share what is going on. Church dynamics experts say that the maximum number of people a person will know by name in the church is about 50. In Jesus’ life, this level would correspond to the seventy-two mentioned in Luke 10:1. Today, Facebook has made it possible to have far more “friends” in this acquaintance category. We post pictures of our activities, humorous things that have gone viral, and sometimes our politics and faith in the hope of influencing others.
Level 2: Friend. An acquaintance becomes a friend when we decide to peel off a few more layers. We begin to go beneath the surface of our soul. As the friendship grows, you discover common interests. You begin to share various aspects of your life, peeling off a few layers to go deeper. This is the level of closeness experienced by most couple’s Bible studies. You begin to share your opinions, your values, your commitments. As the friendship deepens, layers of the onion come off easily and naturally. In John 15:15, Jesus calls the twelve his friends. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my father, I have made known to you. Jesus uses the word, “friends” to describe the twelve, because he had taken them into his confidence. This level of friendship is enjoyable, and most Christian men never go deeper. Consequently, they remain alone in their spiritual battles. They try to be godly men and fathers, fight the battle with lust, over-eating, and overworking—ALONE. Few have considered that Jesus modeled a deeper level of masculine connection than friendship, a special bond with Peter, James, and John.
Level 3: Bond of Brotherhood. Our Lord singled out Peter James and John to go deeper in his friendship with them. Jesus peeled off more layers and allowed the inner three to know more of the core of his being. Scripture gives three glimpses of this deeper level friendship Jesus had with the inner three. Let’s examine them and consider how we can apply what we see to our own friendship. Interestingly, one example is from his early ministry, one from the turning point at which time he turned his face towards Jerusalem, and one was from is last night with them.
A. The Healing of Jairus’ Daughter (Mark 5:37-42) Early in his ministry, he was called to the bedside of the twelve-year-old daughter of Jairus. He permitted only three others to go with him to the daughter’s bedside, Peter, James, and John. The setting was a private one—bereaved parents gathered around the bed of their deceased daughter, in contrast to Jesus’ other healings which were almost all public. The intimate tenderness of the scene is captured by Mark’s repetition of Jesus’ exact words in Aramaic. “Talitha koum” (which means, “Little girl, I say to you get up!”) Jesus could have made all his disciples wait outside and experienced these intimate moments with the girl and her family alone. But instead, he invited the inner three into his intimate interaction with the family.
Application: Jesus invited other brothers into his intimate interactions with others. The subsurface part of our lives involves our relationships with others. Inviting another brother into the private world of those relationships builds a bond with him. I discovered this truth in my relationship with my friend, whom I'll call Ben. I was with him as he held his wife the moment that she died. I put my arm around him and wept with him. As I listened to his anguish poured out to God, I knew it was a sacred moment; I was peering into his very soul. It was a high privilege to be with Ben during these most intimate moments with his wife, and God. Those sacred moments together created a bond between us that will never be broken.
A friendship moves towards a bond of brotherhood when two or more men trust each other enough to share honestly what is going on in their soul—and much of that soul activity has to do with our closest relationships. He may share some troubling doubts he has been having in his relationship with God or perhaps his son’s problem with pornography. He may open up about the problems he is having in his marriage, or the painful feelings of rejection he feels from his father. He may decide to risk being honest about his daughter’s drug problem or the troubling details of his poor performance rating at work. In doing so, he is taking the courageous steps required to go from a mere friendship to a bond of brotherhood.
B. The Mount of Transfiguration (Mark 9:2ff) Jesus takes only Peter, James, and John with him up the mountain where he is transfigured before them. The other disciples are not allowed to see his glory revealed. John would later write, The word became flesh and dwelt with us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth, (John 1:14.) It was only to his most intimate friends, Peter, James, and John that Jesus gave this momentary, unique revelation of his true identity. Obviously, more is going on here than deepening his friendship with the inner three. The glory of Jesus’ divine nature is revealed, a unique event in redemptive history. Nevertheless, as his friendship with the inner three grew deeper, Jesus also modeled here a second characteristic of a bond of brotherhood. He lifted the shade to let his brothers see more of his true identity.
Application: When you forge a bond of brotherhood with other men, you begin to let them see you AS YOU REALLY ARE. For sinful creatures like us it means that you stop putting up a front. You stop trying to impress others with your spirituality. You stop pretending you are fine WHEN YOU REALLY AREN’T FINE. You begin to take down the masks. You begin to let others see your weakness and sin. Only when the masks are down can authentic connection take place. But authentic connection only happens through building trust. Trust grows as you give another a peep hole into your soul and watch how he responds. If it is with understanding and acceptance, trust grows, and if he in turn risks rejection by allowing you to see more deeply into his soul, trust grows further and both start to turn that peep hole into a small window into each other’s souls. There is no substitute for this process of building trust before being vulnerable about what is happening inside us.
C. The Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:32-38) The third level of friendship modeled by Jesus with his inner core of friends is to stand with each other as they face their spiritual battles. As Jesus faced the cross on the night before he died, he did not go out into the wilderness ALONE to pray, as he had so often. He did not go ALONE to battle Satan, as he had at the beginning of his ministry. We read, And they went to a place called Gethsemane. And he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.”
Notice that he’s brought the eleven to the edge of the garden, but only took his close friends, Peter James and John further into the garden with him. Only then did he reveal the heart wrenching struggle of his soul, “My soul is sorrowful even unto death.” He asked them to watch with him. While fighting the most severe spiritual battle of his life—whether he would obey the Father’s will, which was to go to the cross, he kept coming back to his friends. I’m not smart enough to know whether it is right to say, Jesus needed his friend’s support. After all he was fully God as well as fully man, and the brothers he leaned on pretty much failed him. But I do know this: On the night of Jesus’ most severe spiritual battle, he wanted his closest brothers with him. And that speaks volumes about our need to have a brother beside us in our spiritual battles.
Application: This deep level friend can be described as a friend who sticks closer than a brother, a brother in arms, a brother who is in the battle with you, a best friend. Men can experience this level of connection only with a trusted few who have grown close over time—for it is the result of inviting your brothers to know what is happening in the core of your soul. It is a bond that is forged when you can be vulnerable enough and humble enough to begin to unzip your core inner life and depend on your brothers to help you fight your moral, emotional, and spiritual battles. As deep support, love, and commitment grow, your band of brothers increasingly stands shoulder to shoulder with you, helping you fight your battles and watching your back.
So where are you on this continuum of friendship with men? Do you have someone beside you helping you fight your battles? Do you have anyone who even knows what your spiritual battles are? Are you finding the strength God wants you to have in brotherhood connections that get beneath the surface? If the answer is, “No,” you might ask God to help you take the next step towards moving out of deadly isolation and into brotherhood connections. In today’s world, the stakes are too high, the battle too fierce, the enemy too wily, the attacks too frequent, the cost of defeat too severe for any Christian man to be fighting his spiritual battles alone.
For Further Prayerful Thought:
1. What stood out to you in this portrait of Jesus commitment to male friendships?
2. What category of friendship do your closest friends fit.
3. What are the obstacles to going deeper with a few friends? If you think God might like you to, how could you overcome those obstacles?
Click here to find out more about Gary's Book, Got Your Back: Helping Men Forge the Brotherhood Connections They Need (available in print, virtual, and audio)
