Because God is relentlessly committed to teaching us to depend upon him, I think he designed our wives with emotional needs that we do not understand. One of those is her need for emotional intimacy with us. Neglecting this deep need in her heart comes easily to us men. Listen to the cry of one wife’s heart:
“The kids are in bed. There’s nothing on TV tonight. I ask my husband if he minds if I turn the tube off. He grunts. As I walk to the set my mind is racing. Maybe, just maybe tonight we’ll talk. Please oh God, let him open up. My heart pounds—oh, how can I word it this time? What can I say that will open the door to just talk? I don’t have to have a DEEP MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION. JUST SOMETHING. As I open my mouth—he gets up and goes to the bedroom. The door closes behind him. The light showing under the door gives way to darkness. So does my hope. I sit alone on the couch. My heart begins to ache. I’m tired of being alone. Hey, I’m married. I have been for years.”
This wife is not being selfish; she is yearning for the connection to her husband that is the very purpose of marriage--laying bare our spirit, soul, and body to one another because we know we are received and loved unconditionally. “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Gen. 2:25.)
Christian Counselor Barbara Rosberg gives us a woman’s perspective on a wife’s need for emotional intimacy: “The word, ‘intimacy’ comes from a Latin word that means ‘innermost.’ What this translates into for those of us in the marriage relationship is a vulnerable sharing of our inner thoughts, feelings, spirit, and true self.” (The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women)
Only Christ can empower us to be unselfish enough to tirelessly pursue the emotional intimacy our wives are designed to crave. Here’s how:
1. Make a commitment to proactively seek emotional intimacy with your wife. This is what your vow to love her means to her.
2. Value her inner being. She knows whether you do, or are critical of her. Regularly thank God for the inner person she is. (She probably already knows that you like her outer person—her body!) Remember, her weaknesses are the flip side of the strengths God knew you needed to offset your weaknesses.
3. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Concentrate on what she is saying. Listen to the feelings behind her words. Listen with the goal of understanding, not with the goal of fixing the problem. (Her need is not to solve the problem; it is to feel understood)
4. Don’t hide from her in your emotional cave. Have the courage to come out and talk to her about what is going on inside. Be a man.
5. Consider scheduling daily “couch time” to talk about your day (for example when you come home from work or right after dinner.) Ask your wife if she thinks you should do this and if so, when would work best in your family’s schedule.
Remember, no matter how close your wife is to the Lord, to the kids, or to her friends, if her need for emotional oneness with you is not met by you, she will feel lonely and sad. God designed her that way, and our struggle to meet this need is a perfect opportunity to remember God’s promise, “In weakness, my power is shown the more completely.” 2 Corinth 12:9
