Three forms of pain seem to generate the most anger:  1) the pain of frustration, being blocked in reaching our goal, 2) the pain of injustice, having our rights violated, and 3) the pain of having our self-esteem attacked.  Our masculine make up is such that we regularly endure these three types of pain, so it should not surprise us that men struggle with anger.  Let’s look more closely at these three .

1.  The pain of frustration.  Men are by nature task oriented.  We want to accomplish our mission and move on to the next task.  That is why my 11 year old doesn’t like shopping with his sisters.  “When it comes to shopping you girls are gatherers—you want to spend all afternoon looking.  But I am a hunter.  I go in the store, get what I need and want to come home.”  If it is in our masculine hard-wiring to be task oriented, it follows that we will experience a lot of frustration, which is, by definition, the pain of obstacles preventing us from reaching our goals.  That pain often leads to anger.

2.  The pain of injustice.  Because men are assigned the task of working outside the home, men usually see the home as the place they come to rest, refresh, and relax.  Because most of us work very hard to bring home the bacon it is easy to feel like we have earned the right to a little peace and quiet, and a little rest, not to mention the right to control the remote.  When these rights are violated, we get angry.

3.  The pain of having our self-esteem attacked.  The most intense anger is usually generated by an attack on our self-esteem.  When we feel put down, we usually lash back instinctively.  The home front is a place where men have a great need to be admired and respected.  Paul sums up his profound teaching about the roles of husband and wife, by singling out the wife’s need for love and the husbands need for respect.  Eph. 5:32 “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”   Most men feel more respected at work than at home.  Most men feel like they can’t figure out how to please their wives, and that their wives know the needs of the kids much better than they do.  When their kids defy their authority, their instinctive response is anger.  When men feel put down by their wives or their self esteem is wounded by a lack of responsiveness to their sexual advances, men can react by hardening their hearts in anger, and emotionally withdrawing.