What is romance to a woman?  All week long I have been listening to commercials that give answers to this question.  One commercial takes a straw poll of women in the radio studio on whether they would prefer a dozen roses or a day at the spa as a Valentine’s Day gift.  In unison, all the ladies yell out, "spa."  Never mind the fact that a day at the spa costs 5 times as much as the roses (which is saying a lot in view of the cost of roses on Valentine's Day!) 

Proverbs 5:15-20, along with verses from the Song of Songs, make it clear that God wants husbands and wives to enjoy a strong, vibrant romance with each other.   Romance is about feelings, and in a fallen world, stoking the fire of our feelings of love for each other is a great benefit in overcoming our natural selfishness.  However, if romance is to be kindled, I need to understand what romance is to my wife, because I've learned the hard way that she doesn't think of romance the same way I do.  Here are the four best insights I've learned over the past 30 years about what romance is to a wife (with some suggestions about meeting that need throughout the year):

1.  Romance to her is about feeling close to you.  Dr. Gary Rosberg describes a wife’s idea of romance.  “Melody’s idea of intimacy is sitting on the love seat with Dan, a couple of cappuccinos beside them, a roaring fire in front of them, no kids around them, and plenty of time for a good, long, heart to heart talk.”  The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. 

• A romantic evening begins with listening to how her day went.  Listen to her, being attentive to the feelings behind her words.  Especially, try to understand what is affecting her heart.
• Be vulnerable to her.  When you open up and become vulnerable, it makes her feel close to you.
• Be constantly affectionate in non-sexual ways. Hug her, touch her arm when you are talking, play with her hair.
• Never stop dating your wife.  Take her out, get her away from the kids.  Eliminate the distractions so that you can connect emotionally.  That is what she needs to feel close to you.

2.  Romance to her is about feeling special.  “From our survey we learned that every woman needs to feel appreciated, wanted, and loved….As long as he shows me that I’m special—no matter where we are or what we’re doing—that’s romance.”  Sanna and Miller, How to Romance the Woman You Love

• Pamper her.  Give her a foot rub. 
• Make her feel cherished, beautiful, valued, like a princess.
• Make her feel special by kissing her goodbye when you leave and goodnight when you go to sleep.
• When arriving home from work, track her down and kiss her.  Give her the honored first place of your first few minutes at home.
• Fix a hot bath for her, with candles and soft music.  You do the dishes and put the kids to bed.
• Honor her in public.  Praise her in front of friends.  If a beautiful woman walks into the room, whisper into your wife’s ear,  “I’m so glad I’m here with YOU.”
• Surprise her.  Buy cards, flowers (one rose 6 times a year counts much more than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day.)  Little, creative, fun things let her know that you think she’s special and keep her romantic fires burning brightly.
• Exercise good manners.  Open her car door.  Help her be seated.  Manners are a way of showing respect to others.  Treating her with respect is showing that you value her.

3.  Romance to her is about feeling taken care of, protected, having her load lifted.  Her romantic feelings are easily buried under the load of responsibility she carries.  So,

• Take her out, away from the kids, the phone, and household tasks that scream out at her to be done.
• You might want to consider a weekly date night, especially if you have small kids.  You don't have to spend a lot of money.  We often find a place where we can eat a snack and talk.  It doesn't have to be a $40 dinner.
• Lift her load.  If you are going out for dinner, YOU line up the baby sitter, YOU fix dinner for the kids, while she relaxes.  YOU talk to the baby sitter about the instructions concerning the kids.  That is treating her like a princess, and that’s romance to her.
• Talk to her about the things in her home and family that are weighing on her.  Come to her aid.  Be Prince charming.  Take some of the load.

4.  Romance to her is about feeling desirable to you, her lover. Always touch her heart before you touch her body.

• Look for opportunities all day to praise her inner beauty
• Make her feel that her unique combination of gifts, abilities, and beauty makes her the perfect mate for you
• Tease her about how sexually attractive she is to you
• Tell her how attractive her body is to you.  (There is a reason romance novels are called porn for women—women respond sexually to words.)

One last thought.  You can’t fake it with your wife.  If you are going to cherish her, treat her as special and tell her how desirable she is—she needs to be precious in your eyes.  The above ideas show how to touch her heart. But the starting place for romancing her is your hear—telling God how grateful you are for her. 

Our decisions have a serious impact on the lives of our children. Here is the sad admission of a father from the Midwest named Roy who discovered too late that his priorities had been wrong.

     “The first 10-12 years after the kids were born, my work took me away quite a bit.  My wife was really good about it, and she did a great job raising our three kids.  When they hit early adolescence, however, it suddenly dawned on me that I had missed out on a great deal.  After much reflection, I did something I never thought I could do:  I quit my high-paying job.  Then I went out and found a new job that would keep me close to home. But despite all I did, I was too late.

     No matter how hard I tried to put myself back into my kids’ lives, it didn’t work. They had adjusted to the point where having dad around wasn’t necessary.  Now, seven years later, we’re a little happier, but it is not anything like I wish it could be.  I missed my chance and now it’s too late.”

     The sober truth is that your wife and children will learn to live without you if you don’t give them enough time and attention.  Here is another truth:  Whatever intimacy parents and teens enjoy is almost always cultivated before the age of twelve.  Please pass this truth on to every dad you know with kids 1-11!

     The God of all grace does help us restore and rebuild from the harm of wrong choices.  But there is also real damage, serious injury to those we love most.

     Let’s be fierce in our battle to keep our wives and children our top priority after the LORD. 

            A few years ago I saw an interview of some of the aerospace engineers who worked in the Apollo project to send a man to the moon. One engineer commented that during the 60’s they worked 16-17 hour days, six days a week. The interviewer responded, “You must have been exhausted working that many hours for so many years.”  The engineer answered, “To the contrary!  We were totally energized and invigorated. Those were the best years of my life.  We knew that our work was important; we had to beat the Russians to the moon!”

            These engineers viewed their work as important, and it totally energized them.

            You might say, “That’s great, but my job isn’t exactly trying to send someone to the moon.”  But, wouldn’t you agree that how import a task is, ultimately must be determined by God’s value system?  So how important does God consider your “secular” job to be? 

            Your vocational calling just happens to fulfill God’s basic purpose for humankind!  Do you think that might make it kind of important to him?  God said to the man and woman, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen. 1:28) God’s purpose for mankind is to exercise dominion over the earth—to discover the earth’s potential, to utilize its resources to express your God-given creativity and improve life, to shape the society that emerges from Adam and Eve’s fruitfulness. This calling is important not only because it is God’s very purpose for you as a man, but because God’s creation is a rich, wonderful expression of his very nature.  Your high and noble calling is to have a part in the development of the full potential of God’s creation—which glorifies him.

            Let me say it again:  God’s primary purpose for your life is for you to help develop the potential of creation, including the network of social interactions that make up our culture.  Building a steel company, teaching music to children, harnessing the potential of computer technology, managing the finances of a railroad, helping businesses market their services, leading a non-profit that helps corporations manage the environmental impact of their services, serving as a police officer or attorney—every honorable vocation develops or manages the potential of God’s glorious creation.

            As you do your work for Christ in the way he would do it, your work itself becomes sacred—an offering to him of your energy and creativity.  It is true that your job is a means to support your family, demonstrate character, and share the gospel; but never forget the importance of the work itself. When done heartily as to the Lord it brings great pleasure to your God! He loves his creation, and you were designed for a special role in developing and managing it.

            So, next time you leave your “secular job” exhausted because you’ve given it your best shot, remember to listen for the whisper of your God, “Well done! Well done, good and faithful servant!”